Second Thoughts About the Clearance Sale

By the time I finished wrapping all the gifts we bought I was not enjoying it at all! (And I wrapped as I bought the gifts, not all in one looooong day like I've done in the past).

I have thought of buying up Christams gift bags while they are on sale. I'd get them in various sizes. Then I could throw out the half used rolls of wrapping paper that end up crinkled or torn by the next year.

Hmmm ... the bags could be reused and recirculated among my family members. We already save the good bows, why not save the "good" gift bags?

It will be much easier to store the bags too.

Clearance sales

I know that now is the best time to buy Christmas items -- decorations, gift wrap and greeting cards. I just can't bring myself to look at them.

It's like looking at food when you've just eaten a big meal. It's not even tempting.

Resolutions

Are you thinking of New Year resolutions yet? I think the people who make them are. They may have already written them down. I'm calling mine "goals." I have several categories for my goals.
I'll add to the lists (under each category) as I think of them.

The categories I've come up with so far are: Spiritual Goals, Physical Goals, Mental Growth Goals, Marriage Goals and Family Goals.

Christmas Traditions

Do you have them?
Here are some of ours:
driving around looking at lights
playing Christmas music while we decorate the tree
watching the APS Electric Light parade
caroling
going to the tree lot (and standing beside the fire)
attending candleight service
baking cookies for our neighbors
having all our kids and grandkids over on Christmas Eve for dinner
hanging The Jesse Tree ornaments from our ceiling
having "Egg Bake" on Christmas morning
taking the baby out of all of our manger scenes (until Christmas morning)


Habits I try to break each year:
massive wrapping on Christmas Eve
shopping all the way to Christmas Eve
sending out of state packages late

December 4

Time to write our annual Christmas letter.
Summarize life into one 8 1/2 x 11 page.
Brief but interesting.
Entertaining but informative.
Equal sharing about each child.
There's never much to say about me.
Include encouragment in the Lord.
Once I start, I can't stop writing.
Oops too long.
Change the font (make it smaller).
Have family proof read.
We used to individually sign them all.
Now we sign the master copy.
Into the envelopes they go.
Something I can check off my "to do" list.
It's a pleasure, not a task.

Some of the Fun I've Been Having

"There are two things you need to know about this medication. Take it with food. If you take it on an empty stomach, you will be nauseas. And do not drink alcohol while taking this. If you do drink alcohol, you will violently vomit" the doctor said.

Not a problem, or so I thought.

The first day I was nauseas. I was eating (not much because I haven't had an appetite) but I was still nauseas. By the time I took my third dose, I could tell that the violence was starting in my stomach! I tried not to throw up, really I did. And I'm a person who will make myself throw up because I don't like to linger in the nausea.

Yep, it was pretty violent.

I called and spoke to a pharmacist. As soon as I told him the name of the medication and that I had thrown up, he immediately said to me, "You can't drink alcohol with it."

I told him I hadn't. "Not even a little alcohol?" he asked. "Maybe, mouthwash?"

"No."

"Do you have more? "

"Yes."

"Just take some more."

When He Makes You Lie Down

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He MAKES me lie down ...

That's where I've been, in the green pasture.

I've been here before (more than once). It's a time of rest, renewal and refreshment, but it doesn't start out that way. At first glance I don't even see the pasture. I can only see my circumstances. I am conscience 0f my ill health and I hope to feel better soon.

This time, I've been here for two weeks. Two days ago I realized that I was in the pasture. This strange set of symptoms, that are baffling many, will last until the shepherd determines.

He leads me with gentleness. He loves me. He knows what is best for me.

I missed Thanksgiving Dinner with my family. I missed our "Grandmother's Advent Celebration Breakfast" (a new annual tradition that my mother and I began this year). I missed my grandson's flag football games. I missed a reunion pot-luck with friends.

Finally, I can see that it's good to be back in the green pasture.

Bad for You

Are you wanting to cut back on eating sweets through the holidays? Don't buy scented candles that have food scents. Gingerbread, Pumpkin Spice,Warm Apple Pie and Christmas Cookie candles are not going to help you. Enough said.

Forever

If the "Forever" postage stamp can be used forever, regardless of price increases in postage, why haven't they sold out of them already? What part of this offer are we not getting?!

Today I was gluing some really old 22 cent stamps that I've had for YEARS alongside of my Christams stamps from last year. Yes, I only needed a 1 cent stamp, but I'd have to go INTO a postoffice to buy them. It was hard enough to get the cap on the glue bottle off. The 22 cent stamps were yellowed and brittle. But I'll continue to use them, until I use them up! (sounds like some song lyric ....)

Maybe I'm the only person who still sends messages through the mail ... that's probably it.

Another case solved. More Forever stamps left for me!

Piece of Advice

Don't buy a fried chicken dinner from Wal-Mart no matter how hungry you are! You'll be sorry!

Old Grammas

My granddaughter, Isabele, is a bit afraid of our dog. Some days she is brave and seems to be fine around the dog. Other times she is frightened if the dog is walking around. Every time I see Isabele she asks me if my dog is at my house. I answer yes and I tell her that my dog loves her and would never hurt her.

Just the other day she was asking about my dog again and I reminded her that my dog is an old dog. "She's an old Gramma dog, " I said.

"Your dog is old, like you, Gramma?" she asked.

I laughed. "Yes, she's old like me."

Afghans

When I was younger I didn't care for afghans. I don't know why, I just preferred comforters and such. Since "the new obsession" I've been looking at afghans every chance I get. Now I know one of the main reasons why I didn't like them. It was the color of them. Most of them are brown, orange and green. (At least the majority of the ones I've seen).

I also discovered the origin of Granny Squares. They were originally made with yarn scraps and were multi-colored for that reason.

My grandmother taught me to crochet. She taught me to make a pot holder when I was a girl. Pot holders are easy to make with the simple"chain." Granny Squares are fairly easy too. I found that I can't do them and watch something on TV at the same time. If I do that (crochet absentmindedly) I make mistakes and have to pull it out and crochet over again. Which reminds me of learning to sew. I was making a "simple" peasant top and I continued to sew both sleeves on the same side. But that's another story.

My Latest Obsession

Early one morning I woke up with the thought that I MUST crochet, now! Just had to. So I got up and looked in the back of my closet for my yarn caddy. I sat in the bathroom with the light on so that I could try to remember how to crochet a Granny Square. Trial and error, mostly error, finally brought me success! I sat there until my husband opened the door. Had three hours really passed?

The compulsion to keep going was so strong that I moved back to my bed and crocheted while lying down. I continued until my arms were aching. Then I fell asleep.

My mother asked me if I was really going to make an afghan. I thought I would, at first, but now that I've completed more squares I've been thinking about how many MORE I'd need to make for an afghan. It depends on how long my motivation lasts. I may end up with a pillow.

October 20, 2008

Dear Diary,
I met Herb at the bank to have his signature notarized on the back of the title. Next stop, the DMV. I pulled into the parking lot amazed that it was nearly empty! It was too good to be true. There was a sign on the door that said the DMV had moved across the street. No wonder. THAT parking lot was almost full.

I was given a number and sat watching for it to come up. Yeah! It was called in less than 30 minutes! Uh oh, I would have to take a document, have Bob sign it, and bring it back. I acquired the necessary signature and stood in line the second time to get a number (this one would be expedited, I was told).

Not long after my number was called I was told that I had to have an emission test FIRST. I left to have that done. I returned before 12:30 PM (as I was told) so that I didn't have to take another number.

There was a problem. Apparently the computer said that I did not have the latest title. Another title for this vehicle was issued in Wisconsin the year after the title I had, was issued in Arizona. I
would have to call Wisconsin.

I stepped outside and called Wisconsin on my cell phone. The woman I spoke to told me that their records only went back 5 years so she could not access the records necessary to address this problem. I persisted. OK, she told me that the title request from 2001 was not completed.
She couldn't determine why. Also she told me that according to the VIN number I gave her, Herb's name was not the name on the title. What?! In that moment I wondered if we had been scammed. Herb was on his way to Mexico with thousands of dollars in cash and I had no way to reach him. No telling when he would be back ... if he would be back.

I was advised to speak to the DMV in Arizona. I asked if she would hold the line and speak to someone inside (as I started to walk toward the door). No, she said that was all she could do for me.

I stood in line for the third time to get a number. When it was called I asked for a manager or supervisor. I calmly told my story and stated this was my fourth trip into this building today.
The supervisor listened very intently. She put in a call to Wisconsin. I don't know what transpired in her office, but eventually I had my new title, registration and license plate.

Movie Recommendation

Make a date with your spouse. Go see "Fireproof" while it's still showing in theaters. You won't be disappointed. Your marriage may be impacted for the better. Mine was.

Redskin

In case you're wondering about "Quachi"-- pronounced [kwah -chee]-- it's the shortened version of my father's original last name. It's much longer than "Q-u-a-c-h-i"and it has several consonants in a row. My family just says Quachi. My father's father is full blood Hopi. When my grandfather went to school the teacher could not pronounce his last name so he was given a new name. His last name was changed to Gilbert. (I need to verify this, but I think Gilbert was his middle name and the teacher exchanged them).

My paternal grandmother is part White Mountain Apache. My maternal grandfather is Cherokee. And my maternal grandmother is Chickasaw. Although I have these four tribes in my DNA I can only be a tribal member of one. When you become a tribal member you must relinquish your right to be a tribal member of any other tribes.

Not all Native Americans receive payouts from their tribes. As a Chickasaw tribal member I do not receive any money from the tribe. My father is a member of the White Mountain Apache tribe. His tribe does not distribute money to each of their members either.

All In The Family

I have to give kuddos to my family. Today we celebrated my husband's birthday with a costume party. They went all out and showed up in the most imaginative outfits. Let's see there was: June Cleaver, Tigger, Cher, a surgeon, a surfer dude (in need of a haircut), a bullriding cowboy, a clown, a rock star (I forgot his name) and his girlfriend, Steve Nash, "Deb" from Napolean Dynamite, a construction guy, Robin, Superman, Superman, Superman (yes, there were three),Sleeping Beauty, a renaissance princess, Mrs. White (from the game Clue), Johnny Appleseed and Carlos (he came as "himself").

They willingly gathered in my front yard, the girls on one one team and the guys on the other. Each team was given a large gift bag, three spoons, 2 disposable gloves, 2 baggies, 3 hand wipes, a pencil and a list of items to find in a scavenger hunt at the park.

Off they went, still in costume, and having a great time. I was laughing so much I could barely take pictures. We created quite a stir as those who came out to enjoy the park watched in amazment as these costumed characters ran around collecting things off the ground.

Back at the house we played our traditional trivia game with questions about the birthday person. It's become one of our favorites as we learn trivial facts about one another. Fortunately, I won this round. Good thing, since my husband was the one having the birthday!

Another part of this action packed evening was when we gathered round to open up the wrapped white elephant/yard sale worthy items that each person had brought from home. There was stealing allowed, which doesn't please all the participants. But this was MY party (at least the running of it) so we played by my rules.

After hugs, kisses and repeated good-byes, came the last bit of clean-up. I couldn't help but smile as I thought about how pleased I was that everyone was willing to do all the "silly" things I asked them to do.

Families may not always get along. There may be one or two (sometimes more) members who have tension with each other. There have been some really hard times in our family and times where we've needed some distance, but today it was so good to be together! Today we laughed and joked and ate.

Thanks again Quachi clan for showing up with your "ready to have some fun" attiudes on!

I Always Wanted a Red Car

My hubby decided it was time for me to have a new (new to me) vehicle. I just love it! It's candy apple red and has all the bells and whistles. We found it in Sun City and it was meticuously cared for by it's original owner.

It has a keyless entry and dig this! The driver's seat has memory so when I use my clicker the seat automatically moves to my settings and when my hubby uses his it moves the seat (oh! And the mirrors!) to his settings. Isn't that just too cool?

I was also excited to discover that it has a cassette player and CD player! I had wanted to put a cassette player in my "old" van but we couldn't find a stereo that had both. We were told that if we COULD find one, it would probably be expensive because they just don't make them anymore. AND NOW I HAVE ONE !!

I feel so blessed.

Politics

I have to take a minute and ask a question ....

Are you trying to tell us that out of the 6 MILLION e-mail questions that came in and the 80 questions from the audience there weren't ANY questions about Obama's past/current connections? Come on! Ask the questions we WANT to have answered.

Did anyone else fall asleep during the debate? I tried not to.

Lizology

I'd appreciate your prayers as I try to keep an indepth daily journal. One of my doctors suggested that I try to track my sleeping pattern, my moods and thoughts. We want to see if my moods are affected by my sleep pattern or not.

I'm already struggling as I try to record not only what I am eating everyday but also how I felt before and after I ate; which I am doing for the "Lose it for Life" program. By the way, I would highly recommend this for anyone who is ready to get to the core of WHY you eat the way you do.

It is exciting though, this indepth study of myself. I'm already learning things that I didn't know before.

Good News

I'm sleeping at night again! Thanks be to God!

My sweetheart was injured on the job yesterday. The scaffold he was standing on folded up on him and he was pinned between a plank and the metal frame. He said it felt like he was hit with a baseball bat in the back. Fortunately someone was nearby and helped to get him out.

Our chiropractor said that it's a blessing that the bar slammed into the side of his back and not the middle. If he had been hit in the middle of his back he could have been paralyzed.

His back is very sore and he will probably have some deep bruising. With this we are thankful and we rejoice in the Lord's protection!

Yes!

I'm unashamedly in favor of Prop 102.
Yes, for preserving the sanctity of marriage between one man and one woman in the state of Arizona.

Is it Hot in Here? Or is it Just Me?

If I am indeed "going through the change of life" it is just that. A change. I'm not the same passive agreeable people pleasing person I used to be. My moods can and often do change several times in a single day.

I am thankful for my loving and committed husband. He is taking this journey with me. I am thankful that he has a co-worker in the same stage of his marriage too. This man has been a mentor for Bob.

I am thankful for my dear friends who are farther along this path than I am. They tell me that there is an end. They assure me that the "craziness inside" will level out and I will feel much better on "the other side" (of peri-menopause).

Every time my doctor says to me "you know, you can still get pregnant" I chuckle. Just another perk in this "time of adventure."

Where I Am Tonight

My husband has lost over 30 pounds and is delighted to be back in his 34 waisted jeans. He's not too far from what he weighed when we got married. Yippee for him!

I am maintaining the loss I had. Not gaining is something to cheer about! Seriously.

I am not walking or riding the exercise bike.
I am not keeping up my food diary.
I haven't been doing my homework for the "Lose it for Life" class.

I'm not sleeping at night (that's just the way it is for now and I'm accepting it). I sleep when I can (when I'm sleepy that is).

I think I'm in a funk.

One of my dear friends, in a very hard time of her life, said she'd like to take a little vacation from life in a mental hospital and walk around all day in her bathrobe. I've been pondering that lately. Think about it, you don't even have to comb your hair if you don't want to. And you can sit all day watching TV .... on second thought if I did that I really would lose my mind!!
Either that or I'd go broke buying everything I saw on infomercials. Doesn't matter what they are selling. If you sit and watch them over and over again, you'll be convinced that you've got to have one (or four) of them!!

Oooo! What is that?

Ever come home and opened the door to some odd smell? Usually I am the only one who can smell it. I try to track it down. Is it the dog? The garbage? The garbage disposal? The bathroom?

I realized why no one else in my family can smell it. They don't want to look for it. They don't want to have to do something with it when they find it.

That's OK. They get the task of cleaning out the refrigerator. They get to see and smell things that no one should ever have to encounter!

Not An Easy Task

I'm currently taking some medication that I am supposed to not take within 2 hours of dairy products, calcium or ant-acids. When I picked it up from the pharmacist she told me to take it on an empty stomach and said that calcium is in a lot of things, even broccoli. OK... let me get this straight. "On an empty stomach" means two hours before or 2 hours after eating. And if I have calcium within 2 hours (or even 3) of taking this, it will bond to the calcium and just exit my body without doing what I'm taking it for.

This has been harder than you'd ever imagine. I have to take a different pill as soon as I wake up and then wait one hour to eat. I take several pills after I eat. I have to take them with food. This new temporary medication has thrown a monkey wrench into my whole day. And I have to take it TWICE in 24 hours !!

A few days ago I took one of the "on an empty stomach" pills at 6:00 PM. That meant I couldn't eat dinner until 8:00 PM. I went ahead and made dinner for my family and was really hungry. I decided I would just snack on something. Aha! Pastacio nuts! I read the label of ingredients. Yep, they have calcium in them.

Later that evening I was looking at the label for Lysine (which my chiropractor prescribed for the canker sore on my mouth). It has calcium in it too.

Where I Am Today

I have joined a "Lose it for Life" group that meets weekly. Lose it for Life was co-written by Steve Arterburn of New Life Ministries. I had heard of the weekend retreats they hold across the country and thought it sounded like a wonderful program. It was such a thrill to discover a group starting here in AZ.

This is a comprehensive program that address physical, emotional and spiritual needs.

Out of the Mouth of Babes

I'm recovering from some sort of bug. I've had a fever, headache, chills, aches and pains. Then I must have fallen asleep on a heating pad because I have what looks like a large burn on the left side of my back.

My daughter was sitting across the table from me yesterday and she noticed what appears to be a cold sore coming out on the corner of my mouth. She said "Mom! What's that on your face?! You are just decapitating!"

Here Piggy Piggy

I had a fever for a couple of days followed by a day where I seemed to be sweating alot. Immediately I thought to myself "I'm sweating like a pig."

What?! Do pigs actually sweat alot? Where did that thought come from?

If you have firsthand knowledge about pigs, I'd like to know your take on "sweating like a pig." Thank you.

Customer Service

Have you noticed that when you receive good customer service it's a shock? When was the last time you heard someone call you Mrs. _____ or even greeted you with a cheerful voice EVERYWHERE you went in one day? It may happen in one place, but it doesn't happen everywhere you go (or at least everywhere I go).

I thought it was a joke when the card scanners at Wal-Mart started asking you if your cashier was friendly today! It is very rare that I have a friendly cashier at Wal-Mart. They are usually frazzled and a bit cranky. Maybe it has something to do with the looooong check-out lines that never end. Why are there twenty some check-out lines anyway? There are only three or four open at any one time!

I must be invisible sometimes when I go to the grocery store. I have had employees stocking the shelves practically run over me with those pallets of boxes. Aren't they EXPECTING to see shoppers in the aisles? I've approached employees filling the dairy cases and heard things said that would make any mother turn red with embarrasment. Some cashiers will be talking to either another cashier or to the bagger and they will be talking about things that should not be said aloud in front of a stranger! If it's not a true life episode of Jerry Springer happening before my eyes, it's an expose of "I haven't even had my break!"

I appreciate my fast food being delivered to me fast, but can I have just one bag shoved out the window at me at a time? And if I order more than two drinks please don't be perturbed when I ask for a drink carrier. Are napkins optional now? I thought it was strange when you had to ASK for ketchup as if it was an "extra" item. When I go to KFC, I WANT butter and honey with my biscuits! That should be a given!!

I find myself saying thank you when I'm given my receipt. I finally figured out why I'm saying thank you. Because SOMEONE should be thanked when a transaction has been made. Hmmm, it's a subconscious thing for me. I just say it. I must have been taught to say it by my parents.

New Experiences

My husband often comes home from work with these words on his lips, "I've got a story for you!" I was able to say those words to him last night.

I was in the drive through line at Wendy's and finally reached the window. Just before I was handed my food I see a police car drive up into the drive through exit. Yes, it was coming the wrong way. It stopped and two officers got out. They went inside. I received my food and ... had to just sit there. I couldn't go forward and I couldn't go backward. There was a long line of cars behind me. This was not a kodak moment. It won't end up in my scrapbook, but this was an experience I had never had before. In that I could relish the moment.

Revelations

Had a couple of revelations. One is not a new one, but I was reminded of it. There is NO THING that will make me happy. NO THING can satisfy me. NO THING will ever be all I ever need (after I get that one thing, I will want some thing else).

The other revelation was a new one and it was a really BIG one.
There have been times when I thought my kids (the introverted ones) were trying to ask for help but that they just weren't able to. I'd think they wanted to say it but just couldn't.

Well, last night I was thinking about that again and I was also talking to the Lord. I asked Him why. He said it's not them, it's you. You are/were that child.

Hmmmmm .... I wonder where this will lead? I don't know any more yet. In time I know God will reveal more to me. Afterall, He is the Wonderful Counselor.

No mask today

Helllo September!! Before any more time passes, let me catch you up.

My husband has his voice back but still struggles with his swallowing. I haven't been walking, rdiding the exercise bike or making the healthiest choices when I eat. I have a new stressor in my life. Thankfully my weight hasn't gone back up.

I saw my kidney Dr. today and he said that for all accounts and purposes, I'm cured. There's a 95% chance that this will not ever happen to me again (kidney failure following a surgery). It was a rare occurance. I am the first patient that this has EVER happened to by my surgeon (having performed hundreds of the same operation). No one knows for certain why it happened to me... or so I'm told.

I was asked to bring in all the medication I am currently taking (in the original containers). I could not believe HOW MUCH I TAKE when I had to put all the bottles in a ziploc bag!!! I never imagined myself in this state. I am taking 16 pills a day (some of them are natural suppliments). We are talking about a full time job to manage them all. I have often wished for a private nurse that would just bring them to me as I need to take them.

Yes, exercise will benefit me. Losing weight will allow me to go off some of the medication. Why isn't my health ever enough of a motivation for me?!

Just being real.

Blind Sale

I had to do one of my least favorite things recently. I really detest it. I put it off as long as I could.

It was time to get a new pair of glasses. It is difficult for me to pick out a frame because without my prescription lens on, I can't see clearly. It doesn't matter which style or color I try on, I don't like the way they look on me.

This time I decided to go back to single vision lens (from progressive bifocals). It took a long time to get used to wearing the "no line" bifocals. I had to move my head up and down to find the place where I'd have the clearest vision.

I thought I'd like having clear (far away) vision all the time. I'm finding that I do alot of inbetween looking. For reading I can take the glasses off, I'm talking about doing things like making a sandwich with the glasses on and my vision is blurry because the lens are too strong at that distance.

Wish you could try before you buy ...

Today's Chuckle

This wouldn't be funny if it was accurrate.

My husband did not have medical insurance. He rarely goes to the Dr. He has a phobia of needles, hospitals, white coats and the smell of rubbing alcohol. For the 19 years that I've
known him this was not an issue. His one injury was covered by the medical insurance I had when I was working. He was in pain and couldn't walk so he willingly saw a Dr.

Back to the point at hand. His recent affliction afforded us well over $10,000.00 in medical bills.
We applied for the emergency medical AHCCCS coverage. When I turned in our application the woman at the window said I should go ahead and apply for food stamps. I knew we wouldn't qualify BUT what I didn't know is what would be coming down the line. Would my sweetheart need to have surgery? Would he be unable to work for an extended period of time? So I checked the box for food stamps.

I am going to get to the funny part, I promise.

We received a letter from DES yesterday stating that we are covered and most of our medical bills will be covered. There was also a letter atttached that said this:"... your food stamp program application has been denied for the following reason: Your gross monthly income of $200.00 exceeds the maximum allowable of $2238.00." [what?!]

Then a second letter arrived that said this: " Your application for food stamps ... has been approved. Effective 7/2008 you will receive $0.00. For the next month you will receive $0.00, and after that you will receive $00.00. You are approved through 2/2009. " [huh?!]

If our monthly income was indeed $200.00, this would not be funny. Fortuntely we are not in need of food stamps.

The Creature

The first time I saw it it was laying on top of our wall in the backyard. It was taunting my dog. There was something mesmorizing about it. Not only the size, which was larger than an average cat, but the face! The face was .... strange! For one thing, this creature does not appear to have any ears. I don't know if it is the coloring of the face or ?? but it has the stangest face I have ever seen. The closest description I can come up with is an alien. The face looks like the pictures we've all seen of an alien (large on top, smaller at the jaw line).

Call me crazy, but immediately I thought of my neighbor. She claims to be an alien. She told me that soon after we met for the first time. She said that she has regular visits (when there is a full moon) and pulled up her sleeve to show me the two marks on her arm where she says she is injected.

I'm not trying to convinces you that there are aliens. This isn't really about aliens. It's about the creature.

My mom was here last night. She told me she saw it run across my front yard. I asked her if she was mesmorized by its face. She said all she could see was that it had a stange head and no ears.
Yep! That's it!

Back At It

We finally got a diagnosis (for my dear husband) yesterday. It was great news! Now that we know what it is and that it's treatable, he should be much better in 3 weeks time.

I walked today (first time in I don't know how long ... over a month at least). I started writing down what I'm eating. I had to fight off the thought that today is Thursday (not Monday) and it somehow seems "wrong" to start on a Thursday.

The Blushing Bride

The wedding day finally came. Here she is, the beautiful (and thin) bride. That's me, in the purple dress. It's not THE dress that I blogged about. It's not a moo-moo either (if you missed the significance of that go back and read my previous post entitled "Not Here a Moo Not There a Moo Nowhere a Moo Moo").

I've Made it into the Digital Age

Here we are ... the blonde rooster and the little red hen.

New Hairdo

Decided to get a perm 3 days before a family reunion. The day after I got the perm I was sorry I got it. It takes two weeks for me to like a new perm. It's emotionally exhausting -- one day I am sick of my limp flat hair. The next day I don't like my curly volumized hair! It appears that every woman I see has straight flat hair. I'm the only one with puffy hair!

Most of my own family hadn't seen my new hairdo until we all arrived at the family reunion. Anthony, my 8 year old grandson, said "Gramma, you're hair is really pretty. I like it. You look like a rock star!"

The Ugly Truth

I weighed myself on Monday and was amazed to see that I was down another pound. It seems like I have been eating alot lately and I haven't been walking. I'm out of the habit of walking now and just had a loaner exercise bike delivered (they are still waiting for a part for mine).

My husband continues having difficulty swallowing. He'll undergo a test on Monday to determine what the problem is. His voice is coming back a little bit.

A friend asked me how I was dealing with everything: hubby being sick, medical bills piling up, no income, etc. I said "I'm eating."

My husband went back to work this week.

I probably haven't written because I didn't want to face my reality. I'm eating and not "working" my way through my emotions. I could easily fall into a disabling depression. I've been there before, don't want to go that far again.

Wednesday, July 23

My husband is not any better yet. We were at the ER yesterday to have several tests done on him. Tomorrow he will see an ENT.

Just the Facts

This would have been the weekend to have the dress altered.

I haven't been working as hard as I was (exercisingly speaking).

My husband is very sick. I've taken him to the doctor twice and to the ER once this past week. He has infected lymph nodes in his neck.

I continue to have insomnia -- can't fall sleep or else I can't stay asleep.

I am here by God's appointment, in His keeping, under His training, for His time. - Andrew Murray

The Event Not to Miss

My sister had her BIRTHDAY PARTY last night. We all look forward to this party! By the time we leave we're tired and feel like we've had a workout (especially if you were in the basketball shooting competition).

No, we don't party at a park, at a house or in a gym. We are inside where it's nice and cool. They bring the pizza to you hot out of the oven. Everyone can pick their own ice cream dessert and the soda is free flowing. The birthday girl, just a babe at 41, allots tokens to everyone. The adults have as much fun as the children ... maybe even more!

See you next year, Chuck E Cheese!

Up On My Soapbox

I enjoy watching little kids eat. They don't have eating disorders. They nibble. They eat some now and want more later. It doesn't fit into our lifestyle though. We want them to eat ALL THEIR FOOD (we tell them that they won't get more later). We are irritated when we have cleaned up after a meal and they are hungry again a couple of hours later.

We try to distract them with food and try to get them to stop fussing or crying by offering them something to eat.

When you're "good" you get a piece of candy. Hmmm ... the beginning of rewarding ourselves with something sweet.

I really like the fact that fast food places are giving parents choices of alternatives to french fries. Wow! You can teach your children when they are still young that having a hamburger does not automatically mean you have to have fries too!

Where I am

I didn't walk today.
I didn't walk yesterday.
I walked Saturday.

I still don't have my exercise bike back.

We ate out alot this past weekend -- so much so that Bob is craving a home cooked meal.

This week is my birthday, the 4th of July and my sister's birthday. I've been invited out for lunch a couple of times (for my birthday). The fourth is a holiday and holidays seem like SPECIAL EATING occasions to me. My sister is having a party on Saturday (pizza and ice cream for sure, I already know).

This week will be a real test of "enjoying the moment and not making food the focus."

That's where I'm at.

Someone's watching you ...

One of my daughters, my son and his girlfriend have all joined gyms and are working out. I'm very proud of all of them and excited that they are being intentional about their health too!

Friday, June 27

Yesterday I had one of my medications adjusted. Call me crazy, but I think I can tell a difference already (for the better!) Feeling good makes all the difference!

Wednesday, June 25

I ran into my dad at the mall today. He waited for me to finish my walk and then we sat and talked. It was a nice surprise.

Choices

I started reading a book by James MacDonald, Lord, Change My Attitude.

One day that was my prayer and when I was at Fry's I saw this book on the Choice Books rack. I sat down and skimmed through it. Seemed like an answer to my prayer!

This is a book that starts at the Introduction. You have to read that first. From the very beginning I was convicted. God hates murmuring. He won't tolerate it. As He dealt with the Israelites in the desert, He will deal with me. If I choose (because it is a choice) to murmur, I will live in the wilderness. It's my choice.

Monday, June 23

Another Monday and two more pounds gone!

I'm missing my exercise bike. I don't miss SEEING it in the living room, but I do miss riding it. I thought I'd swim more in the meantime, but I haven't.

I started to journal some questions I'm asking God about myself. He created me, so I'm confident that He will know the answers. He even knows why I think what I think. I long for the days when I was just home from the hospital and I felt so close to Him. I could hear Him talk to me all through the day. He'd start by giving me a "word for the day." One day it was "Everything is as it should be."

There is such peace in believing that. God is in control. He is not asleep. He is not overwhelmed. He is at work. My struggle with food and emotions is not a surprise to Him. As a matter of fact, this struggle was hand picked for me.

Because I Want To

I don't think I would have believed you if you tried to tell me that my body would one day want to exercise ... that it would TRULY become an automatic habit. I didn't walk on Monday but I woke up on Tuesday and felt like I HAD to walk. Unbelievable!

Yesterday my exercise bike went back to the shop. Apparently the screen needs to be replaced. I was surprised that I dreaded hearing that news .... no bike to ride?! What would I do until it's returned? I'm accustomed to riding it in the evening.

Dangerous Smells

Smells I cannot have in my home:
... pizza reheating in the oven
... cookies baking
... bread baking

Bread baking isn't much of a possibility,
but the other two have already proved to be too tempting.

Frustrations

Recurring frustrations from my emotion journal:
... Dog hairs EVERYWHERE on EVERYTHING
... clutter EVERYWHERE
... I'm not self-disciplined
... my anxious thoughts before an event

What's Your Take On This?

Have you ever been drinking out of a water bottle (not one that you just bought and was sealed) but one that you've had for .... weeks and you keep refilling it -- but have you (it's not really a taste) it's a texture that you feel in the water -- ever drank water that was slimey?

That happened to me the other night. I wanted to cringe, but just swallowed. Then I wondered, "What is that? Do I need to wash out my bottle? Is it the water at the bottom of our crock? Does it need to be washed out? Is it because the water was room temperature?"

Is purified water slimey (I guess the correct term would be "soft")?

There's no taste to the water and no odor.

Catching Up

I didn't intend to be away for so long. I'm still here and still on this journey. Today was weigh in day. I'm down one pound. I'm happy with that considering we celebrated Father's Day for two days!

I'm not walking outside (since I'm not an early bird), when I get up for the day it's waaaaay too hot. It's even too hot to venture out to drive to the mall. I'll have to re-evaluate when I'll be doing my walking.

Speaking of staying out of the sun ... it can be depressing to be inside your house with the windows covered (trying to keep the heat out). I don't like feeling like I'm inside a dark cave.

Haven't been downloading my emotions on a regular basis. Finally did this morning and had three pages full.

A New Turning Point For Me

Didn't have much to say before today. I didn't lose any weight on Monday (weigh in day). That's OK. I haven't been cutting back on my food intake. I must still be losing inches though.

I'm still walking and riding the exercise bike. I've been swimming once and this week I added in some leg exercises when I do my arm workout.

I received word today that I won't be in my friend's wedding afterall. They have decided to not have anyone stand up with them. My friend was concerned about having to tell me. I don't have any hard feelings toward her. On the contrary. Their wedding day is Phil and Chris' day, not Chris and Liz's day. She offered to still pay for the dress. I told her that buying that dress was a turning point in my life. I have no regrets at all for buying it!

That brings me to a new turning point in my life. Without an immediate goal to reach, will I continue on this journey for myself?

A Skeleton in My Closet

I don't just carry clutter on my body ... I have it in my home too. Lots of stuff. Things I had good intentions for or "good stuff" (useful) that I may use in the future. Of course IF I should need it, I probably won't be able to find it or even remember that I have it!

Then there are the papers. Piles of them everywhere. Piles of indecision I've heard them called. I would have to agree. They are papers that I'm holding onto for some reason. I'm a data collector and information junkie.

The data is piling up in my INBOX too. I have had over 1,000 e-mail messages in my INBOX before. Why don't I just delete them? Good question. The same reason why I have piles of papers. I may NEED some of the information for some reason in the future.

If you are not a hoarder, you won't understand. Yes, it really is a problem. Yes, it does affect my life. Yes, it does zap my energy as soon as I walk into my house. Yes, it does keep me from having people in my home. Yes, it does embarrass me. It depresses me. It overwhelms me. It frustrates me. It angers me. And yet I continue to live in it.

I know that there's some deep reason for it -- just like there's a reason why I eat when I'm not hungry. It's my hope and prayer that God will set me free in both of these struggles.

Support Groups

I am blessed to be one of six women who have been meeting on a monthly basis for 10 years now. Three of us had attended a women's retreat where we were challenged to think of who we wanted to be at 80 years old. What did we want our character to be? In order to get there, what steps did we need to take now? We wanted to continue to live our lives in an intentional way and decided to get together regularly. Over the years, our number grew to six. These ladies pray for me on a regular basis. I know that I could call them anytime of the day or night, if I needed to. We've laughed and cried together. We share our struggles with eachother. We share our praises for what God is doing too. Our hearts have been knitted together through the years in ways we never could have imagined.


I started an informal e-mail group of friends who are following Weight Watchers eating principles. One of the ladies has reached her goal weight. We rejoice with her. There are no rules or expectations for this little group. Anyone can send an e-mail at any time. Lots of encouraging happens here. It's also a safe place to talk about what's happening in your heart.


A support group of like-minded people, walking the same path, is a treasure you give to yourself. You can start one today. All you have to do is ask.

Wednesday, June 4

Got a call early this morning that my son was throwing up blood. His girlfriend was with him and she had already called the paramedics. He was taken by ambulance to the hospital. I arrived at the hospital before the ambulance.

It was a long day, lots of sitting and waiting. I am very thankful that he was stabilized and eventually released. No one knows what caused the bleeding. He will follow up with his Dr. and most likely have a GI scope performed.

I didn't walk or ride the exercise bike today. Ate a piece of chocolate cake in one of the waiting rooms (just because it was there in front of me).

On My Own

My personal trainer is busier than ever now. We rarely talk to eachother. We e-mail now and then. She's had to relocate (with her job) not to mention all the wedding details.

I feel like I'm on my own (not looking for any sympathy), just want you to know.

I know that THE WEDDING and THE DRESS are keeping me going for now. There are moments when I want to throw up my hands and say this is too hard and I just CAN'T keep doing it. I'm learning that that feeling is coming from some emotional pain. It has been my habit to self-medicate with food. The food never stopped the pain -- it just distracted me from it (for awhile).

This is hard work. Not just physical work (exercise) and not just food control ... possibly the hardest part is feeling the feelings.

New taste sensation

I've done this twice now ... gone to Jamba Juice and ordered a shot of wheatgrass. The first time I had a double shot. I don't know why I said "double" when the gal asked me if I wanted a single or a double. I found out after the fact that a single (1 ounce) is equivelant to 2 pounds of green vegetables!

You can have a slice of orange with your shot. It's supposed to help with the after taste. I suppose it does, a little anyway. Both times I had grass tasting burps long after drinking the shot.

I also didn't know that you shouldn't drink wheatgrass on an empty stomach. My brother was so kind to tell me that (long after I already had). No wonder I didn't feel too well the rest of that day. I started to feel nauseas as soon as I left Jamba Juice (before I even got to my car). Then it felt like I had a brick in the pit of my stomach.

The second experience was much better. Didn't feel nauseas at all. No brick afterward. Less burping. It doesn't taste too bad when you swallow it. It's actually got a sweet taste, and a grass taste (not that I had ever tasted grass before). Guess it tastes like grass smells.

Week Seven

The scale said I didn't lose anything. I would have been surprised (or even a bit cocky) if I had. I know that I was lenient with my eating this past week. AND I didn't record what I ate everyday. It's so easy to not write my food down ... then before I know it, a whole day or two has passed and I can't remember exactly what I ate.

I also didn't gain any weight, for which I am thankful.

I'm still walking, not everyday (5 days last week), but even at that I am walking more consistently than I ever have! Wow! That in itself is amazing. I struggle with consistency in just about every area of my life.

I had a hard weekend (emotionally). Went to a gathering on Saturday night and ate peanut M&Ms just because they were sitting out (and I'm not talking about 2 or 3 M&Ms). After church on Sunday, I asked Bob to drive through Dairy Queen. I had a mint chocolate Dilly Bar.

My binges are getting smaller (not eating as much as I used to or for as long as I would eat) and farther apart. That is God's doing in me.

Inspiration

I heard a short testimony on the radio from a man who had been adddicted to Meth, but had reached 30 days of sobriety. He said he starts each day by asking God to help him stay clean and sober TODAY.

TODAY is doable. I finally got it! I had heard ONE DAY AT A TIME many times, but hadn't thought of it in connection to me and my struggle. I had always looked at the whole picture ... ALL the weight I had to lose or ALL the times I'd have to walk and ALL the exercises I'd have to do. No wonder I'd feel depressed and defeated before I even got out of bed.

Starting WEEK SIX

Monday was weigh-in day. I'm down two pounds from last week :)

Bob is amazed that my total weight loss isn't higher than the scale is telling me. He said that it's very evident that I'm losing and my body is changing shape.

That's ok with me. I already decided not to put too much stock into what the scale was telling me (back when it was fluctating several times in less than a minute). I can see the loss and I am feeling so much better.

The important thing to me is not going to be in numbers but in being able to remain "sober" one day at a time from the food addiction.

Dog in the mall

Just had to make note of the fact I ran into a dog INSIDE the mall. I suppose it was a service dog in training. It was a small dog (bull dog looking). The reason why I'm even talking about it is because it's the first time I've encountered a service dog that stood up and looked at me with an "I'm watching you!" kind of expression. Usually service dogs continue to lie (if that's what they were doing when I see them). I'd never seen one get up and stand next to their person. If I ever had to have one, I'd want mine to do that.

Mall Walking

Even though it's been cooler outside, I've been walking at the mall. I like to know my route and know where I'm at. When I walk for 30 minutes at the park, I can't gauge how much farther I need to walk to use up that remaining time. You may say to yourself, "Who cares? What does that matter?" Remember I told you that I'm thinking 24/7. I care and it matters to me.

Walking inside on the weekend is much more exciting than walking on a weekday. Yes, there are more people to walk around, but that's part of the fun. I was imagining what it would be like to be a receiver running for a touchdown and having to look for openings to run through.

Manuvering the obstacle course is only part of it. The other aspect is the people watching I can do as I'm walking. I thought about having a T-shirt made up that says I'm a mall walker not a purse theif . Or maybe one that says I may be a mall walker or I may be an undercover detective watching YOU. I think this would be another good one I'm trying to read your T-shirt, what d'ya think?!

Wednesday, May 21

I weighed myself this morning and I was back down four pounds, weird.

There are 52 days until July 12th when Chris wants us to take our dresses in for alterations. That's 7 1/2 weeks. She gave me a goal to lose 20 pounds by that date. I will really have to stay focused!

We will have 7 family birthdays (including mine!), one graduation, an end of the year BBQ, Father's Day and the bridal shower in the meantime. If you're anything like our family, you plan celebrations around food. It's what we've always done.

I need to learn to be in the occasion and not let the food be so important. This is something God will have to do in me. What a relief to know that He can!

I'm the brat

The scale said I'd gained back the 4 pounds I had lost (I think). The reason why I'm not quite sure is that now I'm weighing myself on a different floor and I'm wearing clothing (have to, the scale is out in the living room).

I decided to go back to counting points and following the Weight Watcher's eating plan. I knew that I needed some sort of structure.

My husband and I walked this evening. He spent most of the time telling me what he had done at work today (in great detail). I was weighing the fact that I'm not afraid of any stray dogs when I walk with him versus the loss of my solitude. He talked non-stop for most of a mile. Then he ran out of work related details to tell me. I was relieved!

He said that he talked on and on to help pass the time. Hmmm, if I hadn't been irritated, I might have noticed that fact myself!

He can walk faster than I can and doesn't confess that he's growing tired while we walk. When we get to the cooling down phase, it shows up in him. That's when I come back to life and he is ready to fall down on the ground.

I appreciate his support of my walking and that he'll walk with me even after a long day of work. Today he walked in his work boots. He carries a water bottle for me, so I don't have to.

And I used to think our dog was spoiled!

It's a matter of focus

[My paraphrase of something I heard at church on Sunday]:

Obstacles block our way.
It's not the object that causes us to fall or fail.
It's our focus.
When we focus on the object (the circumstance) and not
the one in whom we trust, that's when we fail.

When I focus on all the weight I have to lose ...
When I focus on how far I'll have to walk ...
When I focus on how long (in minutes) I'll have to walk ...
When I focus on what I can't eat ...
When I focus on how many more minutes I have to ride ...
When I focus on my fear of not fitting in the dress ...
... my strength will fail.

But when I place my focus on Christ and trust Him to accomplish
all those things in me ... His strength cannot fail.

Random Thoughts

I didn't walk or ride the exercise bike on Saturday or Sunday.

We ate out several times this weekend.

A dear friend of mine reminds me that this is a marathon I am running (not a sprint).

I don't think I've been drinking enough water.

This is the time (in the past) where I'd give up and say to myself:
I have too much to lose or
it's too hard or
I'll get back "on track" later

I can't do this by sheer willpower.
I can't do it with my own determination.
I can't do it, even to save face (now that I've told you that I'm doing it).

Only by God's grace will I be consistent.

I CAN eat less ...
I CAN walk in the morning ...
I CAN ride the exercise bike ...
... through Christ who strengthens me

Q & A

Q: Do you enjoy walking?
A: Once I am walking I usually enjoy it. If not during, I always enjoy the feeling I get after I walk.

Q: Are you seeing a difference in your clothes?
A: Yes, I can see them getting loose.

Q: How are you liking the exercise bike?
A: I love my exercise bike. I'm so glad we chose the recumbent one! I always ride while I'm watching something on the TV.

Q: How much weight have you lost so far?
A: That's hard to answer (exactly). I told you about my digital scale fluctating. Now I'm weighing myself with clothes on too. I decided not to let the frustration get to me (of not knowing exaclty how much). I'd say I'm down four
pounds from when I started.

Q: When will you be having your dress altered?
A: I'll be taking it in the first or second week of July.

Q: Have you been practicing your walk in the high heels.
A: No

Q: Have you started to tan up your blinding white chest and shoulders?
A: Not yet, but I plan to.

Q: What's been the hardest part for you so far?
A: Being mentally ready to walk as soon as I get up.

Q: Is this challenge putting a strain on your friendship?
A: No, but she hasn't really been "in my face" or pushing me (like you see the trainers on The Biggest Loser), yet.

A Reason to Walk

Remember, the very best exercise is walking.

You can do it anywhere, anytime. And it's free!

If I can walk, I KNOW you can walk. Just decide that it won't be an option. You WILL walk everyday, period.

Start out walking as far as you can (Chris had me start with the goal of walking to the corner of my street and back). She told me about a man she knew who lived in a cul-de-sac and when he started walking he couldn't even make it out to the corner of the cul-de-sac. But he kept at it. He's half the size he was, now!

Walk as if your life depends on it. It does.

How did the rooster cross the road?

My dear husband invited me to walk with him in the evening.
It was nice to walk and to talk. I was winded but he wasn't.
I experienced the peaks and valleys (when you think you can't
take another step, then as you continue to press on, you get a
boost of energy and you know you can make it to the end).
He didn't. He said he felt like he could keep walking, forever.

After our cool down walk, he said his legs were stiffening up.
He could barely walk around the rest of the night.

I got such a chuckle out of saying to him, "You need to ride the
exercise bike now," as he often says to me.

If you see my blonde rooster along the road, please slow down. He won't be able to run out of the way. He's not just strutting, he HAS to walk that way!

Not walking

What's up with the days that I don't walk? That's a good question! Here's my thoughts about why I didn't walk on Tuesday.

I didn't feel like walking. I didn't feel like doing much of anything.

At the end of the day I was looking over my record keeping and saw that I did not have a BM all day. No wonder I didn't feel well! I was toxic! Then when I tried to go to bed, I couldn't fall asleep. I got up and came to the computer and started downloading emotions. I typed out three pages of built up emotions.

I finally became drowsy and went to sleep.

On Wednesday morning I drank some water when I woke up and something starting moving :) (I can remember when I was a kid, my grandmother asking me if I had moved my bowels today and how repulsed I was by that question!) Now-a-days, my dad and I talk about that topic on a regular basis. He's the only one who's willing to.

All I know is that on Wednesday, I WANTED to walk.

Have you moved today? If not, drink more water.

Evening Exercise

I rode the exercise bike for 30 minutes tonight and then did some arm exercises (using resistance bands and one small dumbell).

If the floor wasn't so far down there I think I'd lie down and do some leg lifts. I wonder if they'd be as effective if I did them on the couch-- or better yet, while lying on my bed? It's not so hard to get down, it's more the getting up part that I have trouble with!

Sweet Sticky Surprises

I didn't walk or ride the exercise bike yesterday.

I walked at the mall today. I was determined to walk regardless of the fact I didn't want to be seen by anyone who knew me (ever have one of those days?) If I took time to "spruce up" before I walked, I may never get out of the house.

I walked indoors with my very dark sunglasses on thinking that I would be unrecognizable; but she knew me. Sitting on a chair waiting in the barber shop was my precious granddaughter, Valentina. When she saw me she jumped up, smiled and called out "Gramma!" (Maybe I should take the hint that I really look like this on more days than I'd care to admit).

Val wanted to know what I was doing at the mall, and why I was wearing those dark glasses. She told me to take them off so she could see my eyes. I stayed awhile and chatted with her, my mother and two of my grandsons.

I could've stayed with them all day, but I HAD to walk.

After I left them and rounded the first corner I came face to face with my daughter, Nicole and her youngest daughter. Isabele didn't seem to recognize me (but she often looks at you like she's perplexed). I popped up my glasses, kissed her on the head and told her to "give me five."

I don't know what she had been eating but I continued the rest of my walk with one very sticky hand, a big smile on my face and one in my heart.

Thank you Lord for special surprises as I walk.

Guess what?

The bride's dress is too tight! (I'm sorry to feel any pleasure about that, Chris).

She said she needs to lose 5 pounds and has challenged me to beat her. She said it will be easier for me to lose 5 than for her to do it. So I took her up on this one too.

When she told me, the tune of "the witch is dead" from The Wizard of Oz, and seeing the munchkins all dancing around merrily came to mind. I tried to come up with appropriate new lyrics. "Ding, Dong, the bride gained weight, her dress won't fit, it will not fit. Oh no, she has to lose, she has to lose, some weight like me!"

I wanted to skip and dance around too .... Just being honest with you.

Have you seen God today?

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I can walk when I don't FEEL like walking, through Christ who strengthens me. I walked for 30 minutes this morning. It was a hard walk. I was tired. My legs were a bit stiff. I listened to praise music and it lifted my spirit.

The Lord blessed me with some special little surprises this morning. There was the singing bird perched on a log along the path I was walking. It was a beautiful black shiny bird with a bright colored beak. There was a man jogging with a small poodle on a leash running behind him. The little dog made me smile. Then a vehicle passed me and honked. It was my brother! He turned around and came back to talk to me. He was delighted to see me out walking and I was just as thrilled to see him.

This is the day the LORD has made, rejoice and be glad in it!

Keep your eyes open today and watch for the ways God wants to delight your heart.

Eating out

Thursday: I was gone all day so Bob brought home dinner. We had a Ceasar side salad (with Ranch dressing), a baked potato, chili and a double cheeseburger from Wendy's. I took everything off my burger and just ate the meat patties. [I didn't have to eat all this food at once, but I did. Didn't THINK about it first.]

Friday: I was restless, so I left home to run some errands. Drove through Taco Bell and ate a bean burro and a soft taco. Later drove through McDonald's and had a vanilla cone, an oatmeal raisin cookie and half of a chocolate chip cookie. [I was given the largest cone I have ever seen! Looking back I wish I would've asked them to take at least half of it off the top. I ate it all]. I didn't make dinner so Bob brought home Mexican take-out. I ate two small carnitas tacos,one (fried) fish taco and several bites of a bacon, egg, potato and cheese burrito. [Bob made all the selections. I didn't stop and THINK about what I would allow myself to eat, first].

Saturday: I brought dinner home. We had chicken, refried beans, cole slaw, corn cobblets, and corn tortillas from El Pollo Loco.

Today's is Mother's Day. I don't know what's planned for me (as far as eating out). I'd like to know, so that I can mentally plan, but I don't want to ruin any possible surprise plans that someone may have made.

Saturday, May 10

Once I get up for the day, I KNOW it's time to put on my shoes and go for a walk. Lately I've been lingering in bed, until I'm ready (in my head) to walk. Today I stayed in bed longer. I read a book and fell asleep again. I didn't get up until almost noon. It was too late (too hot) to walk, so I didn't.

I scrapbooked with my mom in the afternoon. We have a good time together sharing our newest photos and coming up with creative ideas for our pages. It had been too long since our last crop (when scrapbookers get together to scrap).

I didn't walk in the evening.

I rode the exercise bike for 30 minutes before I went to bed.

This was the second day (not in a row) that I haven't walked during these 3 weeks. Hmmm ....I'm behind again in writing out what I've eaten, I haven't journaled my emotions lately, AND I've neglected my time in God's Word.

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." - Matthew 6:33

You can write to me on this blog!

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Friday, May 9

I didn't walk until evening. I thought about just riding the bike but remembered what Chris had told me. "Walking is your priority. If you only do one thing, WALK."

It was 7:30 PM when I left my house. Perfect temperature to be outside! Lots of people at the park near my house. No stray dogs running around.

I recognized a man far across the park. I knew his stature and his gait. What a thrill and a lift to my spirit. It was my dear husband.

We walked toward eachother. He was smiling and swinging his arms. He thought I was finished and ready to come home but I was only halfway through my 30 minutes. He said he'd keep walking with me.

It blessed my heart for several reasons:
Bob usually walks slowly but he kept up with my pace.
He had just finished a long day of work (he's in construction -- his work is labor intensive), and I knew he was tired. At the end of our walk he told me that he doesn't like walking (for exercise) and didn't think he could ever do it on a regular basis. I've always admired his ability to get up and go to work day after day whether he's very tired, not feeling well, it's too hot, or he'd like to take a day off. He just goes. It felt good to know that in my own way I was committed to doing something day after day too.

Indoor walking

I set my alarm to get up early. I was outside and ready to walk by 7:15 AM (early for me). It was nice and cool, bright and sunny, and there was a police helicopter overhead. When I got to the corner where I do my stretches I noticed two large dogs running in a yard down the road.

Dog anxiety was high today. I went back home and decided to drive to a nearby shopping mall to walk inside.

I walked for 30 minutes. Mall walkers come in all shapes and sizes but most of them were older than me. They have their strides down! Some of them were walking much faster than I was. A group of three ladies were walking and carrying on a conversation (not walking fast enough according to Chris). I check to make sure I'm walking fast enough by talking to myself out loud. I can't get through a whole sentence without having to stop to take a breath. That's fast enough.

I felt like I was on the verge of pigging out all day. Lots of emotional stuff going on. I ate more dark chocolate than I normally do at one sitting and I also ate some trail mix that I had been avoiding. I was disappointed to discover that all the peanut M&Ms were gone out of it (how could that have happened ? Julie?)

I will ride the exercise bike before bed tonight.

Some Trainer Tips

Whatever you can't seem to control yourself (when you eat it), don't have that in your house.

If you have to eat when you're out and about, order a kid's meal or share a meal with someone else.

Chicken soft tacos are a good choice when eating Mexican food. Beware of the chips. If they are a problem for you to stop, don't start eating them.

Cut your portions in half. It's better for your metabolism to eat several times a day versus three BIG meals. If you're going to eat a burrito, eat half now and half of it later.

Remind yourself you can always eat more LATER. As soon as you're hungry again you can eat more of ___ (whatever) if you want to.

When you start out to walk, don't start out fast. It takes about 5 minutes for your body to get warmed up. After 5 minutes you can probably walk at a faster pace. During your walk you will feel more energy at times and less at others. Pace yourself accordingly.

Your priority is TO WALK. Walking is the VERY BEST exercise you can do. It works and tones every part of your body. If you can only do one thing ... WALK.

For a few years Chris could not keep ice cream in her house. Now she can. She said when she wants to eat some she just eats a spoonful at a time from the freezer. She doesn't dish it out into a bowl to eat it.

You can eat anything you want, you just can't eat all of everything you want. For instance, if you want to eat something sweet (that someone brings to the office or some function) cut a sliver of it or eat half of it. Just don't eat a whole one.

Have the mindset that you don't need to have your "own" portion of something. You can take a drink or two of someone's drink or a bite or two of their food. (I told her about me ordering a large Horchata without even thinking about it). She suggested that if I want some in the future, I can just drink some of Bob's or share one with Julianne. I don't HAVE to have my own.

You should be drinking enough water that you have to go to the bathroom alot.

Binge eating

I just discovered how to set the correct date and time that I'm posting a new message. I went back and tried to change the dates as far as I could rememeber. From now on they will be right on the dot. Just an FYI.

I told Chris that several of my friends and family members have asked about having her work with them. She told me that she just doesn't have time right now but she's feeling like this will one day be a ministry for her. She said she has such compassion for people and since she has struggled with her own weight since she was 9 years old, she can understand what others are going through. She said she already knows me ... inside my head, because she knows herself.

When we were teenagers we used to binge eat together. One of the things we'd eat was saltine crackers with butter, peanut butter and then jelly on them. We'd sit and make little sandwiches over and over again until we were about to puke.

Hmmm, must have been a poor teens phase. That would never tempt me now.

Then there was the chips and salsa phase. Tortilla chips still tempt me. Especially with some good salsa. I'm so glad that I no longer crave hot fudge sundaes and french fries (another phase we went through). I think I got over that one when I worked at Dairy Queen. You really can get sick of eating ice cream dipped in chocolate (or covered in hot fudge).

Back to the subect at hand .... EATING SENSIBLY and LOOSING WEIGHT, Chris said I could share the tips she gives me with you.

The dress

Today I walked 1.4 miles. I didn't know that's how far I walked until after the fact. I made it in 30 minutes. Chris was impressed. She wanted me to work toward walking a mile in 20 minutes.

I put on the dress so she could see it on me (for the very first time). She said it looked like it fit me NOW! Woo Hoo! She made a point of telling me that I can't quit. I laughed and told her I didn't plan to.

She brought a pair of shoes to see if they would fit me. They did. They have a high heel. It's been years since I've worn high heels. As soon as I put them on I felt like I had "sexy legs" ... funny how it just comes on you. I wasn't able to take big steps or walk fast ... I kind of shuffled in them.

Julianne brought out her high heels and showed me how I was "supposed to walk" in them. Little did she know I had that wiggle down once. How did she think I caught the eye of her daddy?

Tuesday, May 6

We didn't go out to eat last night. We brought take-out home. I followed Chris' suggestions for what I ordered. What I neglected to think about, was a drink. I usually always drink water. I got carried away with the "special event" feel and ordered myself a large Horchata. Whether or not Horchata is high in calories is not the point. I didn't THINK about the choice, I just ordered it.

I rode the exercise bike 30 minutes last night before I went to bed.

This morning I walked a different route (walked down a main street for 10 minutes then turned around and walked back). The time went by fast. I had the radio headset on and didn't hear a runner coming behind me until he was ready to pass me!

I struggled with the thought of binge eating this afternoon and early evening. I didn't (by the grace of God). The old familiar thought "I can't do this" was trying to take root. It's a very powerful thought/emotion.

Week Two: Monday

It's Monday, time to weigh myself.

The scale was fluctuating. I weighed myself four times and each time it registered a different weight. The readings were within tenths of a pound of eachother, but it was frustrating me. Frustration is something I can't handle right now (see "Baby Steps"). I know I went down, just how much I don't know for sure. I'll just call it a one pound loss.

I called Chris, my trainer, with the intention of asking her about her weekend. Of course she wanted to know how I was doing. She said she kept checking and didn't receive any calls or e-mails from me. I didn't want to talk about me, but we did. That's what trainers do, make you do what you don't want to do.

She wasn't happy that I had gone off my medication, but I didn't get a lecture. We're getting together this week to walk together and she wants to see me riding my bike. I'm not looking forward to that visit but that's OK because I know that I'm still in a "funk." I feel that way about everything that's coming up.

The bride-to-be hasn't seen me in the dress yet. When she comes I know she'll want me to try it on for her. I'm trying to have no expectations as far as it fitting better already, but I know that I do.

I walked Saturday morning, rode the bike Saturday night, walked Sunday morning and walked Monday morning.

Special Occasions

Chris is teaching me that when special occasions come up you have to have a plan in place BEFORE you go to them. You have to decide what you will eat and what you will not eat before you are face to face with the food.

I can eat anything I want to, just not as much as I want. She told me to "take a bite or two." If it's something that you can't stop eating, don't start (don't take even one bite).

I didn't plan before I went to a birthday party last night (and I didn't talk to Chris about it either). I knew that my daughter was making her delicious potato salad and I was looking forward to eating some. I knew I would eat my burger without a bun. What I didn't think about was dessert.

It was an ice cream cake. No one asked if I wanted a piece (that is my last "hint" that it's my choice and I can say no), I was handed one. I was almost finished eating it when I realized that I hadn't even THOUGHT about eating it. I hadn't decided that I wanted to eat it, I hadn't decided to take a certain amount of bites of it or to eat half of it or anything. I just ate it.

In the past I would've been very mad at myself which would've spiraled me into an eating binge (I know, it doesn't make sense) but I remembered what Corey (a naturopathic student I had the pleasure of seeing) said to me. One time she looked at my food diary and said, "You had a hard two weeks. Lots of things happened. It's over. Now you have a clean slate."

Today is my clean slate. Actually, every time I sit down to eat is a clean slate. The last thing I ate (good choice or bad choice) is in the past.

Baby steps

I had a very hard week, last week. This is probably the main reason ...
I've been on an anti-depressant medication for a few years now. I came to the end of my last refill and thought to myself: I'm feeling so good and doing so well this may be a "sign" to stop taking this medication.

I took my last dose on Saturday, April 26th. By Tuesday, April 29th I was feeling excessively cranky. It continued to get worse. I saw for myself WHY they tell you not to just stop taking this, you have to taper off of it.

Decided that now was not a good time to try to do this. I had to face the problem I had created for myself. Not only was I on the verge of "loosing it" but the Dr. who had prescribed this for me has long since been gone. I would have to start at square one (that's why I was waiting all afternoon on Friday). No one was willing to just refill the medication or to give me a few pills to get me by until I could make an appointment. I had to wait to be seen and evaluated.

The good news is that I was able to receive a refill and took a pill on Friday, May 2nd. I was told that it could take up to 2 weeks for me to "even out."

When making changes take baby steps, not giant leaps!

Friday, May 2, 2008

I did not walk in the morning. I made a conscious decision to do something else after I got dressed. I was bothered with the thought, you should walk FIRST, but I didn't.

I did not walk at noon. I made the decision to take care of some business instead.

I spent the afternoon waiting in several different waiting rooms. When I arrived in each new location I asked if I had time to go out and come back. The person at the desk always said, "I don't know. You better just wait." So I didn't go outside and walk.

I stood up and "moved" in one of the waiting rooms. Moving (not walking, just moving) is not a common occurrence for waiting rooms. I suppose it could indicate that a person is not calmly waiting. Perhaps the person is becoming agitated. Perhaps the person has something "suspect" in their large bag (tote bag). Perhaps the person should be monitored. Perhaps security should be alerted that there is someone "moving around" instead of sitting. So I sat back down.

Sitting for five plus hours made me very tired. I was dozing off in my chair in the last waiting room.

Earlier in the day I got hungry. I hadn't planned to be away from home so long and did not bring a snack with me. I made a point of heading to the cafeteria where I ate a bean and cheese burrito. There weren't any vegetables available, no fresh fruit. Lots of "bad choice" items. Soda, candy, chips and sweets are the big sellers. I would've bought a dark chocolate bar if they had one, but they didn't.

By the time I had accomplished all that I had to do (the purpose for all that waiting) I was in a bad place (mentally, emotionally and physically). I decided I was GOING to have an ice cream cone. I'm glad I did not pass a Dairy Queen because I wanted a chocolate dipped cone. I got a cone at McDonald's.

I did not walk in the evening. I rode along with Bob to pick up Julianne. She asked what we were going to have for dinner. I was totally exhausted. Bob stopped at Subway. I did not intend to get a sandwich. I planned to sit in the van. Bob wanted me to come in with them. I shouldn't have. I ordered a sandwich (Philly Cheese Steak) just because it looked good in the picture. I started to eat the sandwich on the way home.

Reflecting:
I didn't walk this morning -- then I felt "guilty" all day about that.
I didn't bring a snack along -- I got too hungry. I procrastinated over some things -- I had to sit and wait all afternoon and was frustrated when things did not go smoothly (consequence of procrastinating). I ate (the ice cream cone)-- instead of downloading my emotions. I ate (the sub sandwich) -- instead of downloading my emotions.

Hindsight is 20/20.

I rode the exercise bike for 20 minutes before I went to bed.

I haven't written in my food diary since Thursday morning ... must take care of that immediately! (another thing I needed to acknoweldge).

Walking this week

Some days are harder than others. I'm not excited about putting on my tennis shoes and heading out the door as soon as I wake up anymore. It helps to have already made a decision that I would walk first thing in the morning, period.

At the beginning of this week I decided to walk at the park (instead of down the street). I began week two walking for 20 minutes.

I prefer walking a certain distance (to a goal) rather than walking for a time period. Monday I just walked and kept looking at my watch. Twenty minutes seemed a very long time.

Tuesday I decided to walk a certain path and then look at my watch. Time went by faster that day.

Today (Thursday) Julianne and I went to a National Day of Prayer event at City Hall. I had already walked my 20 minutes earlier in the morning. I could really feel it in my legs as we walked around downtown. When I would stand up to walk after sitting for awhile, my legs were stiff then wobbly. I just laughed when Julie would say, "hurry Mom! We can make this light!" I couldn't hurry.

Week one I walked for 10 minutes. Week two I stepped it up to 20 minutes. Bob brought home an exercise bike on Wednesday and I rode it for 20 minutes in the evening.

Maybe I'm pushing myself too fast.

I've been playing phone tag with my trainer. She's out of town meeting her future in-laws for the first time. All the siblings will be there too. I don't know if we'll connect this weekend but I know I'll have to "fess up" come Monday, so I'm keeping an eye on myself.

Developing new habits

On the Wednesday evening of the first week (which was day three), I was talking to my trainer. I was telling her that the next day I had to go somewhere early in the morning. She asked if I was still going to walk. (cool! She didn't tell me I had to still walk first). So I decided in that moment that I WOULD get up a little bit earlier and walk.

She encouraged me to do it and said it's best to NOT detour from your routine, especially while you are still working to develop new habits. Not doing something “just this once” is a habit for me and then it becomes “since I haven’t done it two or three times, it won’t really hurt for me to not do it a fourth time.”

It takes 21 days to make a new habit. Twenty-one days …. Hey! That’s three weeks!

Wouldn't you know, I had another sleeplesss night. I was finally able to fall asleep two hours before the alarm was to go off. In my drowsy state I must have turned it off when it rang. Next thing I knew I woke up and saw that it was already time for me to be leaving home!

No time to walk now. I made a commitment to myself that I would walk when I returned home. I did, and it was the first time I walked that I didn’t enjoy it. I didn’t “feel” like walking -- I felt like whining. I wasn’t refreshed while walking; lack of sleep can do that to you. And to top it off, it was much warmer to walk after noon than it was to walk in the morning.

The best thing about the whole experience was being able to say that yes, I HAD walked today.

Week One

Let me take a minute to point out to those of you new to reading blogs: Read from the bottom up (the very latest entry will be at the top).

The time had come. One week! I got on the scale and was delighted to see ... that I had lost three pounds! Yeah! As exciting as it was to see that for myself, it was even more exciting to call my trainer and tell her !!!

I could already tell a difference in the way my clothes were fitting. And I noticed that my wedding ring slipped on and off very easily now.

Who would've known that THIS would feel better than sticking something yummy and delicious or crunchy and salty into my mouth?

I was only hurting myself

True confession time.

I was seeing a Naturopath bi-weekly. My appointments were on Thursdays. I would bring in the food diary I had kept for the previous two weeks (up until Thursday's lunch). I'd leave the appointment with my blank diaries,which I would start up again on Friday. That left out Thrusday's dinner.For too many of those bi-weekly Thursdays I would start to salivate just thinking of what I was going to eat for dinner that night and dessert on top of it! I was under the belief that it was a "free meal" and I "deserved" to eat whatever I wanted to eat. Afterall, I had to "be good" all the rest of the time.

I felt like a kid who's home alone and turns up the stereo cause Mom and Dad are gone.

One day it occured to me that I wasn't getting away with anything.
I wasn't "rebelling" against anyone, except myself. I was the one who was being affected.

That was the day I decided that I would write down what I ate on those bi-weekly Thursday nights. And I would tell the Naturopath what I was doing.

Confessing broke the power of those negative desires. I didn't relish the thought of "getting away with something" anymore. Food eaten in "secret" was no longer sweet to the taste.

Dogs

I have a fear of dogs, especially big ones with black faces. Barking freaks me out especially when it starts up without warning and startles you.

The first week I walked our street without any dog issues. Then the weekend came and my neighbors were home. There's a dog on my street that I'm afraid of just because it looks like I dog that I was very much afraid of (Shasteen's former dog, Jax). The dog on my block was outside with his master. He barked at me but didn't rush to the front of his yard (which is a plus). I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that I'd have to pass by this house again on my way back down the street.

Near the end of my street there's oleanders along the alley entrance. When I walked past the bushes several dogs barked at me. I couldn't help but think about a loose dog running out of the alley and chasing me.

The next day I started wearing a radio headset and just turned up the music while I walked. It helped ... some.

Week two I decided to walk at the park. No dog instances there, until today. As I walked across the street (to the park) I saw two large dogs that were unleashed.They were walking around near a woman. I assumed they were her dogs. My dog anxiety is stronger at times, today was a high danger day. The lady and the dogs were walking toward me. I just couldn't make myself walk (even in a different direction).

Today I walked down my street and around the parking lot and some buildings, back down the street and a short distance in the park. I walked for 20 minutes.

When I got home I pulled out my resistance bands and did some arm work. I had a workout routine written on an index card, taped to the front of the box. It has been several months since I last used the bands. I couldn't remember what half of the exercies were anymore. All I had written down were the names and how many times I was supposed to do them. I know Chris will help me. (She gets so excited when I bring up these things! She didn't think I'd be so gung-ho!!)

Getting to Know Myself

I'm keeping a food diary (writing down everything I eat) and plan to do it for the whole three weeks.

I'm keeping an emotions journal. I write down the emotion I'm having (or had) and why. This has been very eye opening. The first thing I realized is that EVERY SINGLE emotion I had would make me want to stick something in my mouth. It has also shown me that when I've been restless/cranky/anxious? - it's because I had "emotional buildup." Once I sit down and download the emotions that overwhelming feeling is gone. (And if I write out my emotions after having an eating binge I'll see that it's connected with an emotional overload).

I am keeping track of when I have bowel movements (and a little more details about them which I will spare you). If they are irregular it affects the way I feel. I can see by comparing my food diary and my exercise log why the pattern is as it is.

I have to keep a check off list of the medications and suppliments I take each day. There are so many of them that I can't remember if I've taken them or not.

I'm supposed to take my blood pressure on a regular basis. I bought a super duper blood pressure monitor that has a memory and keeps your readings for you. Now I just have to remember to do it!

I keep a tally of the number of times I fill up my water bottle each day. I carry it with me constantly (in the house and whenever I go anywhere). This is the only way I can acurately tell how much water I'm drinking. My trainer wants to know and it makes a difference in the BM pattern too.

I've had a struggle trying to keep some sort of record of how much sleep I'm getting. When I'm ready to fall asleep I don't want to grab the pen and paper and write. I get up several times in the night to go to the bathroom (I have an overactive bladder). That's where I always hit a snag. I don't remember to mark how many times I'm up or what time it is when I wake up (thus telling me how long I've slept). I don't go to bed at the same time every night. I've tried to. It works for a few days, then I'll have a night where I just can't fall asleep. I'm restless so I get up and stay up until I am drowsy, which may not be until 5:30 or 6:00 AM (which messes up my whole sleep cycle).

I was given an assignment to make a list of ways to pamper/reward myself that did not include food or drink. It couldn't be shopping (because that could lead to another problem if I started compulsive shopping). This has also been a struggle for me to do. A bubble bath would be a good one (if we had a big or deeper bathtub). We have a regular size one and the water doesn't cover most of me up. It's just not the relaxing spa effect I'd want. I like to scrapbook. That's a big thing to do for myself (I don't have my supplies handy to be able to sit down and do a page on a whim). It's a fun thing to do when I have more time to spend. I thought about sitting down with a cup of tea and a good book (oops! that's a drink).

Which bike did we choose?

We got the used recumbent bike.

Thinking ...

... it's what I do 24/7. I don't even have to think about it, I just do it. A major part of this journey will be "taking every thought captive to the knowledge of Christ."

For so many years I have thought “I can’t loose this weight. It’s too hard. It’s a lost cause.” And I’ve dwelt on thoughts of self condemnation for ever letting myself get to this place in the first place. If I sit awhile and immerse myself in these thoughts and start to get comfortable in them … I want to withdraw and hide myself.

One of my friends has a huge mirror in her bathroom. When you stand to pull up your pants (sorry, but I had to include that part) you can see your legs in the mirror. Every time I am in her bathroom I see my legs as they really are. In the bright light I can see that they are lumpy and bumpy. They are not sleek, smooth and slender.

One of the reasons why I am blogging this journey of mine is because I knew you'd be reading. I appreciate all of your prayers and well wishes but I need to know that you're out there. I need to be accountable to not live in denial anymore. This is not fiction. It's a true story. I really AM morbidly overweight. (I saw that on a poster over the scale one time at the doctor's office). That's something you just can't joke away.

I promise to keep writing, even when I don't want to. And I'll be honest even when I want to hide.

Always try before you buy

I thought I wanted to get a recumbent exercise bike. Bob started searching. He located one and off we went to look at it together. It was a Schwinn, good brand! Good price for a used one that was in like new condition.

It looked very sturdy and like it was built to last. The shop owner said that Schwinns always have a great resale value (as long as you don't have a large dog that chews on it). Not an issue for us. We have a dog. She's a lover (licker) not a biter.

I sat down and pulled my legs up into the stirups. Not bad, nice seat and comfy back rest. You can put your hands down at your sides (where the pulse monitor is located) or hold onto the handle bars in front of you. There's a water bottle holder and even a place to put a book or magazine while you ride.

We were just smiling away, until I started to pedal. First thing I noticed was a sharp pain in my left hip. A pain that keeps me "leaning on the Lord," a thorn in the flesh that will stab me without warning. I stopped pedalling and said, "I can't ride this bike."

So Bob adjusted the seat back, climbed on, stuck his cowboy boots in the stirups and leaned back. He started pedalling with a bit more vigor than I had. The seat was wobbling and the frame was rocking and clacking (he hadn't made sure the seat was tightened down all the way first).

Once the loud commotion was fixed, he sat and laughed. With that distraction gone, he was able to concentrate on why he didn't like this bike. While reclining, our "ample" bellies were squished and it was very uncomfortable to ride.

I tried an upright bike. He tried it too. We agreed that it was much more comfortable to our abs. I still had some pain in my hip now and then, but that's to be expected I suppose.

The shop owner pointed out that the Schwinn was a better buy (than the upright he had in the store). He very gently told us that as we used the bike, the discomfort would ease up because the "squshy matter" would be shrinking. He thought that we'd learn to love the Schwinn and offered to let us take it home and ride it for a month with the understanding that IF we absolutely hated it, we could bring it back and he'd give us all the purchase price toward another bike.

Yes, the Schwinn was a "better investment" but ... what to do, what to do.

I called my expert, my personal trainer. She had some great tips. She said: don't spend any extra money for the bells and whistles (the different programs you can do, etc). She said that she has been working out for over 10 years and she NEVER uses them. She only looks at the milage and the time. She said it's really a matter of comfort when you select a bike. She didn't mean our stomachs! She meant comfort as you sit (your rear on the seat) and however you want to place your arms. It doesn't matter if it reclines or sits up. Whatever you prefer. She thought that an upright one will give your legs more of a workout. She also encouraged us to wait and buy one used. (The upright in the store was new).

I wanted to see Bob try out the bike with the handles that move as you ride. He got on and started up his fast pedalling not realizing that his arms would be flying back and forth just as fast. It was so hillarious! (Have you ever seen "Animal" on Sesame Street play the drums?) Arms were flailing and blonde hair was flying. He couldn't stop himself! I hadn't laughed like that in a long time.

Laughing hard is good exercise for your abs by the way. When was the last time you were sore the next day just from laughing?

Day One

I was excited to get started. Up and on the scale, then dressed and ready to walk.
I would be walking down the street and back (I hadn't been exercising for a long time prior to this).I was home again in ten minutes and I felt invigorated! Not bad, not bad at all.

Cutting the food in half was easy today. I did it without even thinking about it. The hard part was being hungry every 2-3 hours. I'm talking very hungry ... boarding on ravenous, if I didn't eat right away.

Ravenous has always been a very dangerous condition for me to be in. Before I know it, I'm sticking anything in my mouth to feed the beast. My clear thinking goes right out the window.The beast must be satisfied. Woe to anyone who gets in the way at feeding time. The answer will be "no" to any question asked at this time. Not a good time to ask me something you are hoping will be a "yes."

My trainer (I like the sound of that) my PERSONAL trainer had already warned me about this. I was prepared for it today. No signs of the beast.

I discovered that by mid afternoon or early evening, I was a bit restless. That time of day when you want to eat a candy bar or something like that. I went into the living room and moved around for 20 minutes, non-stop. I walked, shuffled, danced, scooted (I don't hop), moved my arms, whatever came to mind. The frustration (if that's what it was) was gone and I had another boost of energy. I was liking this!

The challenge

She called me back a few minutes later as I stood in the dressing room. She had a deal to offer me. She was willing to let me buy the dress now and start working on fitting into it. She was willing to help me. The bottom line was, "I need to know that you'll have a dress that you can wear. If it's not this one, then we need to order you one 12 weeks in advance. I'll give you three weeks to show me that you're serious about doing this. At the end of three weeks if you have lost more than one pound and are working on it, I will pay you back for this dress and I'll pay for any altering too. But if at the end of three weeks, you haven't lost anything or haven't gotten started yet, then we're going back downtown to the Bridal plaza and we'll order your dress in your size and YOU'LL pay for it and for the altering too (there was a $170.00 difference in just buying the other dress). "

This was a challenge I had been waiting for! I said, "I'll take it." Not only would I be wearing this beautiful dress and having it fit right, but even more than that, I was going to have a personal trainer working with me! I finally had a really good motive for loosing weight (doing it for myself or for my health weren't motivating me enough, I'm sad to say).

"Ok," she said, " buy it and I'll call you tonight."

The dress was hanging in my closet. I was ready with pen and paper when she called. She gave me basic instructions to get started with. I was to WALK every morning (as soon as I got up). I was not to think about walking or what I would wear to walk in, I was to just put my shoes on and go. Secondly, I was to cut my portions in half ... immediatly. I was to drink water all throughout the day and I was to weigh myself in the morning.

Then we talked about the mind games that we play with ourselves. She told me that she would be helping me through them and we'd talk on a daily basis. The first thought I was to think on, was that this was NOT an option for me. I was GOING to do it, period.

I have to be honest and say that I swallowed and said yikes! (to myself) at that point. I was the one who wanted to do this ... could I really do it?