Monday, June 30, 2008

Where I am

I didn't walk today.
I didn't walk yesterday.
I walked Saturday.

I still don't have my exercise bike back.

We ate out alot this past weekend -- so much so that Bob is craving a home cooked meal.

This week is my birthday, the 4th of July and my sister's birthday. I've been invited out for lunch a couple of times (for my birthday). The fourth is a holiday and holidays seem like SPECIAL EATING occasions to me. My sister is having a party on Saturday (pizza and ice cream for sure, I already know).

This week will be a real test of "enjoying the moment and not making food the focus."

That's where I'm at.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Someone's watching you ...

One of my daughters, my son and his girlfriend have all joined gyms and are working out. I'm very proud of all of them and excited that they are being intentional about their health too!

Friday, June 27

Yesterday I had one of my medications adjusted. Call me crazy, but I think I can tell a difference already (for the better!) Feeling good makes all the difference!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Wednesday, June 25

I ran into my dad at the mall today. He waited for me to finish my walk and then we sat and talked. It was a nice surprise.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Choices

I started reading a book by James MacDonald, Lord, Change My Attitude.

One day that was my prayer and when I was at Fry's I saw this book on the Choice Books rack. I sat down and skimmed through it. Seemed like an answer to my prayer!

This is a book that starts at the Introduction. You have to read that first. From the very beginning I was convicted. God hates murmuring. He won't tolerate it. As He dealt with the Israelites in the desert, He will deal with me. If I choose (because it is a choice) to murmur, I will live in the wilderness. It's my choice.

Monday, June 23

Another Monday and two more pounds gone!

I'm missing my exercise bike. I don't miss SEEING it in the living room, but I do miss riding it. I thought I'd swim more in the meantime, but I haven't.

I started to journal some questions I'm asking God about myself. He created me, so I'm confident that He will know the answers. He even knows why I think what I think. I long for the days when I was just home from the hospital and I felt so close to Him. I could hear Him talk to me all through the day. He'd start by giving me a "word for the day." One day it was "Everything is as it should be."

There is such peace in believing that. God is in control. He is not asleep. He is not overwhelmed. He is at work. My struggle with food and emotions is not a surprise to Him. As a matter of fact, this struggle was hand picked for me.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Because I Want To

I don't think I would have believed you if you tried to tell me that my body would one day want to exercise ... that it would TRULY become an automatic habit. I didn't walk on Monday but I woke up on Tuesday and felt like I HAD to walk. Unbelievable!

Yesterday my exercise bike went back to the shop. Apparently the screen needs to be replaced. I was surprised that I dreaded hearing that news .... no bike to ride?! What would I do until it's returned? I'm accustomed to riding it in the evening.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Dangerous Smells

Smells I cannot have in my home:
... pizza reheating in the oven
... cookies baking
... bread baking

Bread baking isn't much of a possibility,
but the other two have already proved to be too tempting.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Frustrations

Recurring frustrations from my emotion journal:
... Dog hairs EVERYWHERE on EVERYTHING
... clutter EVERYWHERE
... I'm not self-disciplined
... my anxious thoughts before an event

What's Your Take On This?

Have you ever been drinking out of a water bottle (not one that you just bought and was sealed) but one that you've had for .... weeks and you keep refilling it -- but have you (it's not really a taste) it's a texture that you feel in the water -- ever drank water that was slimey?

That happened to me the other night. I wanted to cringe, but just swallowed. Then I wondered, "What is that? Do I need to wash out my bottle? Is it the water at the bottom of our crock? Does it need to be washed out? Is it because the water was room temperature?"

Is purified water slimey (I guess the correct term would be "soft")?

There's no taste to the water and no odor.

Catching Up

I didn't intend to be away for so long. I'm still here and still on this journey. Today was weigh in day. I'm down one pound. I'm happy with that considering we celebrated Father's Day for two days!

I'm not walking outside (since I'm not an early bird), when I get up for the day it's waaaaay too hot. It's even too hot to venture out to drive to the mall. I'll have to re-evaluate when I'll be doing my walking.

Speaking of staying out of the sun ... it can be depressing to be inside your house with the windows covered (trying to keep the heat out). I don't like feeling like I'm inside a dark cave.

Haven't been downloading my emotions on a regular basis. Finally did this morning and had three pages full.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

A New Turning Point For Me

Didn't have much to say before today. I didn't lose any weight on Monday (weigh in day). That's OK. I haven't been cutting back on my food intake. I must still be losing inches though.

I'm still walking and riding the exercise bike. I've been swimming once and this week I added in some leg exercises when I do my arm workout.

I received word today that I won't be in my friend's wedding afterall. They have decided to not have anyone stand up with them. My friend was concerned about having to tell me. I don't have any hard feelings toward her. On the contrary. Their wedding day is Phil and Chris' day, not Chris and Liz's day. She offered to still pay for the dress. I told her that buying that dress was a turning point in my life. I have no regrets at all for buying it!

That brings me to a new turning point in my life. Without an immediate goal to reach, will I continue on this journey for myself?

Friday, June 6, 2008

A Skeleton in My Closet

I don't just carry clutter on my body ... I have it in my home too. Lots of stuff. Things I had good intentions for or "good stuff" (useful) that I may use in the future. Of course IF I should need it, I probably won't be able to find it or even remember that I have it!

Then there are the papers. Piles of them everywhere. Piles of indecision I've heard them called. I would have to agree. They are papers that I'm holding onto for some reason. I'm a data collector and information junkie.

The data is piling up in my INBOX too. I have had over 1,000 e-mail messages in my INBOX before. Why don't I just delete them? Good question. The same reason why I have piles of papers. I may NEED some of the information for some reason in the future.

If you are not a hoarder, you won't understand. Yes, it really is a problem. Yes, it does affect my life. Yes, it does zap my energy as soon as I walk into my house. Yes, it does keep me from having people in my home. Yes, it does embarrass me. It depresses me. It overwhelms me. It frustrates me. It angers me. And yet I continue to live in it.

I know that there's some deep reason for it -- just like there's a reason why I eat when I'm not hungry. It's my hope and prayer that God will set me free in both of these struggles.

Support Groups

I am blessed to be one of six women who have been meeting on a monthly basis for 10 years now. Three of us had attended a women's retreat where we were challenged to think of who we wanted to be at 80 years old. What did we want our character to be? In order to get there, what steps did we need to take now? We wanted to continue to live our lives in an intentional way and decided to get together regularly. Over the years, our number grew to six. These ladies pray for me on a regular basis. I know that I could call them anytime of the day or night, if I needed to. We've laughed and cried together. We share our struggles with eachother. We share our praises for what God is doing too. Our hearts have been knitted together through the years in ways we never could have imagined.


I started an informal e-mail group of friends who are following Weight Watchers eating principles. One of the ladies has reached her goal weight. We rejoice with her. There are no rules or expectations for this little group. Anyone can send an e-mail at any time. Lots of encouraging happens here. It's also a safe place to talk about what's happening in your heart.


A support group of like-minded people, walking the same path, is a treasure you give to yourself. You can start one today. All you have to do is ask.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Wednesday, June 4

Got a call early this morning that my son was throwing up blood. His girlfriend was with him and she had already called the paramedics. He was taken by ambulance to the hospital. I arrived at the hospital before the ambulance.

It was a long day, lots of sitting and waiting. I am very thankful that he was stabilized and eventually released. No one knows what caused the bleeding. He will follow up with his Dr. and most likely have a GI scope performed.

I didn't walk or ride the exercise bike today. Ate a piece of chocolate cake in one of the waiting rooms (just because it was there in front of me).

Monday, June 2, 2008

On My Own

My personal trainer is busier than ever now. We rarely talk to eachother. We e-mail now and then. She's had to relocate (with her job) not to mention all the wedding details.

I feel like I'm on my own (not looking for any sympathy), just want you to know.

I know that THE WEDDING and THE DRESS are keeping me going for now. There are moments when I want to throw up my hands and say this is too hard and I just CAN'T keep doing it. I'm learning that that feeling is coming from some emotional pain. It has been my habit to self-medicate with food. The food never stopped the pain -- it just distracted me from it (for awhile).

This is hard work. Not just physical work (exercise) and not just food control ... possibly the hardest part is feeling the feelings.

New taste sensation

I've done this twice now ... gone to Jamba Juice and ordered a shot of wheatgrass. The first time I had a double shot. I don't know why I said "double" when the gal asked me if I wanted a single or a double. I found out after the fact that a single (1 ounce) is equivelant to 2 pounds of green vegetables!

You can have a slice of orange with your shot. It's supposed to help with the after taste. I suppose it does, a little anyway. Both times I had grass tasting burps long after drinking the shot.

I also didn't know that you shouldn't drink wheatgrass on an empty stomach. My brother was so kind to tell me that (long after I already had). No wonder I didn't feel too well the rest of that day. I started to feel nauseas as soon as I left Jamba Juice (before I even got to my car). Then it felt like I had a brick in the pit of my stomach.

The second experience was much better. Didn't feel nauseas at all. No brick afterward. Less burping. It doesn't taste too bad when you swallow it. It's actually got a sweet taste, and a grass taste (not that I had ever tasted grass before). Guess it tastes like grass smells.

Week Seven

The scale said I didn't lose anything. I would have been surprised (or even a bit cocky) if I had. I know that I was lenient with my eating this past week. AND I didn't record what I ate everyday. It's so easy to not write my food down ... then before I know it, a whole day or two has passed and I can't remember exactly what I ate.

I also didn't gain any weight, for which I am thankful.

I'm still walking, not everyday (5 days last week), but even at that I am walking more consistently than I ever have! Wow! That in itself is amazing. I struggle with consistency in just about every area of my life.

I had a hard weekend (emotionally). Went to a gathering on Saturday night and ate peanut M&Ms just because they were sitting out (and I'm not talking about 2 or 3 M&Ms). After church on Sunday, I asked Bob to drive through Dairy Queen. I had a mint chocolate Dilly Bar.

My binges are getting smaller (not eating as much as I used to or for as long as I would eat) and farther apart. That is God's doing in me.