Winners and Losers

Next short term goal ... to pass the 30 pounds lost mark. Weight Watchers awards a blue ribbon for each 10 pounds members lose. I expect to have more than 10 before I'm through.

When I was a kid I was not athletically inclined. I don't have a collection of ribbons from various sports I participated in. I can remember how devastating it was for me when our junior high PE classes competed in track and field events. The worst one had to be the long distance run. It was bad enough that I would come in last but all the kids would be standing along the final stretch and they would call out very cruel remarks as I huffed and puffed along. Even my PE teacher was not an encourager to me. She didn't pull for the underdog ... kids like me.

Not so in Weight Watchers! You are NOT in competition with ANYONE else. You are NOT shamed or ridiculed, ever! Each week I am greeted with smiles, encouraging and compassionate remarks.

Whoever came up with the little chant "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" must have been born with natural athletic abilities or a hyper metabolism (one who could eat whatever they wanted and not gain excess weight).

Hmmmm ... didn't even know that all that was pushed down deep inside me.

I'm a firm believer in journaling.

To Him Be The Glory !

It was weigh in time tonight ... so excited to have hit my goal ! I received my key chain from Weight Watchers for losing 10% of my weight! Very cool to be to the point where reaching a goal is more important to me than eating any old thing that I get a hankering for.

It's not by any of my efforts. It's all G-d and His marvelous work IN me : ) I'm being remodeled from the inside out!

Mind Your Thoughts

Disappointed ... that's how I felt on Monday. I had started out the week before with the hope that I would lose one pound and achieve the goal of having lost 10 percent of my starting weight. After this weekend I assumed I had not done it.

I was disappointed in myself. Disappointment, left unattended, drops into depression. Depression is where I lose hope. I think that I CAN'T continue on this path, that I will NEVER lose the weight, that I will NEVER change, that I am a failure, that there is NO HOPE.

One small phrase, spoken unknowingly ... turned my thinking around. I was talking to my brother on Monday. I told him that I was disappointed with myself and he said, "Well, I'M NOT disappointed in you." Then went on to say that he knew how hard it is to lose weight. He reminded me that he is also watching his weight. He has his struggles too. He encouraged me that we all have times where we are going to "just need to eat" and that it's OK. We can do it and not beat ourselves up about it.

He ate pizza, wings, apple pie and ice cream the day before for his birthday. He said that he wanted to and did.

My thought patterns are a HUGE piece of this journey toward good health. As I am learning to choose what I put into my mouth, I must also choose what thoughts I allow to stay in my head.

Back Tracking Observations

This is why I value journaling ... remembering and listing all that I experienced this weekend revealed that I was very distracted! It wasn't just one circumstance or one event, it was several. No wonder I felt lost.

Observations:

• I jump to "worst case scenario" instead of choosing to think positively
• My anxious thoughts cause myself unrest and a loss of my serenity
• As soon as I feel something strongly (no matter what the emotion) I want to stop right there and journal about it. I want to look at it from all angles and see if I am having thinking errors. For instance, I assumed that my brother was "missing" for a bad reason. I still don't know where he was or why he didn't come to take my parents to the airport. That is his personal business, but I am now aware of how I immediately jump to the worse thoughts.
  
• When I was anxious, (and as I let them grow unattended) I lost my focus and I ate to comfort myself.
• I was feeling depressed over disappointing myself (concerning the unfocused eating).
  
• I also told myself that I should have gone to the 90th birthday party (and let myself dwell in those thoughts) when the truth was that I could not afford to go. That is the reason I did not go. My financial situation had not changed no matter who all of my relatives went. I don't love my grandmother less because I didn't go.
  

Back Tracking

Just coming out of several days of being lost ... lost where, I don't know ...

It's important for me to try to figure out why or where I lost my focus. Let's backtrack

• I got a text from one of our adult children who wanted to meet with hubby and I. The topic would be the sharing of their inner feelings about our relationship.
• I was not able to attend my grandmother's 90th birthday party out of state, due to a lack of finances. I thought I had accepted the fact that I would miss it, but THIS was the weekend of the party and I discovered more and more of my relatives made the trek out east and I succumbed to sadness that I wasn't there too.
  
• My brother was not home to take my parents to the airport, so I took them (which was not a problem) but no one knew where he was and they were very surprised that he was "gone." They had expected him to take them.
  
• Since my brother was not at home, I was asked to care for the plants and pick up the mail
  (again, not a problem) except that I was doing it because no one knew where my brother was and why he was "missing."
  
• I received twelve consecutive calls from the medical center where my family receives our health care, one evening. The medical center is also a hospital, trauma and ER center. We were not at home and a message was not left. I called all of my adult children that live in our area, to make sure that they and their children were OK.
  
• I wondered if it could be a medical emergency concerning my brother. I called the switchboard. He was not a patient on the admission list. I was transferred to the ER. I was told that no patient in there had made multiple calls and they were not calling to try to reach a family member.
  
• The next day, the same thing happened. Twelve consecutive calls came in. I got home minutes after the last call came. I sat and waited to see if another call would come. It did. It was an automated call reminding me of an upcoming appointment! My husband said I should be much relieved now, but I wasn't. I was glad to know no one was having an emergency but I had already exerted so much concern over the "possibilities" that I did not immediately feel relief.
• I did not go to water plants and pick up the mail on Saturday and felt guilty about it. On Sunday, I was determined to go. That afternoon, before I left home, my husband told me to call and just see if my brother happened to be there. I did, and he was. I had the same reaction as I had with the phone calls. I was glad that he was alive and well, but I did not have immediate relief, even though he said he had watered the plants yesterday and had gotten the mail.
  
• I was very surprised to find out that two of my cousins surprised everyone and flew out for my grandmother's birthday party. That made me even sadder that I hadn't gone.
  
  

Not Going There ...

I attend Weight Watcher meetings on Monday evenings.
I didn't go today. Hubby asked me not to go. Our finances are in a critical condition right now.

I'm participating in a book sale this weekend. I hope the proceeds of the sale will ensure that I can continue to attend the Weight Watcher meetings : )

I'm making a point of choosing NOT to think anxious thoughts of the opposite.

Reasons For Freaking Out

Speaking of freaking out, guess I need to say that we're no longer going on late night walks together. On our last one, we were told by one of the "regulars" that we'd see in the park, that we needed to be careful because he and his friend had encountered a couple of guys a few nights before. One of the guys had a knife and waved it in their faces. They said there was a third male who waited in the dark behind trees to jump out at passer-bys.

That's all I needed to hear! I was in a major freaking out mode. I wanted to instantly be at home, but we still had to make our way back through the dark park to get home. After that night we haven't walked again.

On a side note, I developed a "skin fungus" (or so the Dr thought it was). He said probably from perspiring a lot. Well, I am sweating more and more with my workouts at home. So if I had to get something, I guess that's a good thing to get (for a good reason that is). Just so you won't have your own "freak out" let me share with you what my symptom was .... I had what looked like hickeys on parts of my body that I KNEW that I didn't have a hickey on. Now if you, or your dear spouse should get them, imagine the freak out that COULD happen if you didn't know that it can be a symptom of a skin fungus. Who knew?

Freaking Out

It's been two weeks since I last weighed in (due to Memorial Day holiday). I was hopeful for a loss and thought that a couple of pounds would be a great pleasure. Imagine my surprise when my leader smiled a big smile and told me I was about to freak out, but that it would be a good freak out.

I know HOW to freak out. I've done it many a time, mostly for "not so good" things. I can exhibit a good "Woo Hoo" freak out, if need be. Well, I was blown away when she told me I had lost 5.4 pounds!

Wow! The rest didn't even register to me (I was busy freaking out). She told me that I had hit the "25 pounds lost" mark (actually exceeded it) and that I am very close to having lost 10% of my starting weight.

Weight Watchers awards charms for different milestones. I received my first one tonight for losing 25 pounds. I'm so very happy! I am feeling wonderful. I am feeling "thin" (even though I have a long way to go still). It's amazing! If I look at each day (I've been through) it has been hard, but when I glance back and see where I am at NOW, I have to say it's been incredibly easy! It has been God at work inside of me and the evidence is showing on the outside. To HIM and HIM alone goes all the praise and glory for what HE has done in me.