Developing new habits

On the Wednesday evening of the first week (which was day three), I was talking to my trainer. I was telling her that the next day I had to go somewhere early in the morning. She asked if I was still going to walk. (cool! She didn't tell me I had to still walk first). So I decided in that moment that I WOULD get up a little bit earlier and walk.

She encouraged me to do it and said it's best to NOT detour from your routine, especially while you are still working to develop new habits. Not doing something “just this once” is a habit for me and then it becomes “since I haven’t done it two or three times, it won’t really hurt for me to not do it a fourth time.”

It takes 21 days to make a new habit. Twenty-one days …. Hey! That’s three weeks!

Wouldn't you know, I had another sleeplesss night. I was finally able to fall asleep two hours before the alarm was to go off. In my drowsy state I must have turned it off when it rang. Next thing I knew I woke up and saw that it was already time for me to be leaving home!

No time to walk now. I made a commitment to myself that I would walk when I returned home. I did, and it was the first time I walked that I didn’t enjoy it. I didn’t “feel” like walking -- I felt like whining. I wasn’t refreshed while walking; lack of sleep can do that to you. And to top it off, it was much warmer to walk after noon than it was to walk in the morning.

The best thing about the whole experience was being able to say that yes, I HAD walked today.

Week One

Let me take a minute to point out to those of you new to reading blogs: Read from the bottom up (the very latest entry will be at the top).

The time had come. One week! I got on the scale and was delighted to see ... that I had lost three pounds! Yeah! As exciting as it was to see that for myself, it was even more exciting to call my trainer and tell her !!!

I could already tell a difference in the way my clothes were fitting. And I noticed that my wedding ring slipped on and off very easily now.

Who would've known that THIS would feel better than sticking something yummy and delicious or crunchy and salty into my mouth?

I was only hurting myself

True confession time.

I was seeing a Naturopath bi-weekly. My appointments were on Thursdays. I would bring in the food diary I had kept for the previous two weeks (up until Thursday's lunch). I'd leave the appointment with my blank diaries,which I would start up again on Friday. That left out Thrusday's dinner.For too many of those bi-weekly Thursdays I would start to salivate just thinking of what I was going to eat for dinner that night and dessert on top of it! I was under the belief that it was a "free meal" and I "deserved" to eat whatever I wanted to eat. Afterall, I had to "be good" all the rest of the time.

I felt like a kid who's home alone and turns up the stereo cause Mom and Dad are gone.

One day it occured to me that I wasn't getting away with anything.
I wasn't "rebelling" against anyone, except myself. I was the one who was being affected.

That was the day I decided that I would write down what I ate on those bi-weekly Thursday nights. And I would tell the Naturopath what I was doing.

Confessing broke the power of those negative desires. I didn't relish the thought of "getting away with something" anymore. Food eaten in "secret" was no longer sweet to the taste.

Dogs

I have a fear of dogs, especially big ones with black faces. Barking freaks me out especially when it starts up without warning and startles you.

The first week I walked our street without any dog issues. Then the weekend came and my neighbors were home. There's a dog on my street that I'm afraid of just because it looks like I dog that I was very much afraid of (Shasteen's former dog, Jax). The dog on my block was outside with his master. He barked at me but didn't rush to the front of his yard (which is a plus). I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that I'd have to pass by this house again on my way back down the street.

Near the end of my street there's oleanders along the alley entrance. When I walked past the bushes several dogs barked at me. I couldn't help but think about a loose dog running out of the alley and chasing me.

The next day I started wearing a radio headset and just turned up the music while I walked. It helped ... some.

Week two I decided to walk at the park. No dog instances there, until today. As I walked across the street (to the park) I saw two large dogs that were unleashed.They were walking around near a woman. I assumed they were her dogs. My dog anxiety is stronger at times, today was a high danger day. The lady and the dogs were walking toward me. I just couldn't make myself walk (even in a different direction).

Today I walked down my street and around the parking lot and some buildings, back down the street and a short distance in the park. I walked for 20 minutes.

When I got home I pulled out my resistance bands and did some arm work. I had a workout routine written on an index card, taped to the front of the box. It has been several months since I last used the bands. I couldn't remember what half of the exercies were anymore. All I had written down were the names and how many times I was supposed to do them. I know Chris will help me. (She gets so excited when I bring up these things! She didn't think I'd be so gung-ho!!)

Getting to Know Myself

I'm keeping a food diary (writing down everything I eat) and plan to do it for the whole three weeks.

I'm keeping an emotions journal. I write down the emotion I'm having (or had) and why. This has been very eye opening. The first thing I realized is that EVERY SINGLE emotion I had would make me want to stick something in my mouth. It has also shown me that when I've been restless/cranky/anxious? - it's because I had "emotional buildup." Once I sit down and download the emotions that overwhelming feeling is gone. (And if I write out my emotions after having an eating binge I'll see that it's connected with an emotional overload).

I am keeping track of when I have bowel movements (and a little more details about them which I will spare you). If they are irregular it affects the way I feel. I can see by comparing my food diary and my exercise log why the pattern is as it is.

I have to keep a check off list of the medications and suppliments I take each day. There are so many of them that I can't remember if I've taken them or not.

I'm supposed to take my blood pressure on a regular basis. I bought a super duper blood pressure monitor that has a memory and keeps your readings for you. Now I just have to remember to do it!

I keep a tally of the number of times I fill up my water bottle each day. I carry it with me constantly (in the house and whenever I go anywhere). This is the only way I can acurately tell how much water I'm drinking. My trainer wants to know and it makes a difference in the BM pattern too.

I've had a struggle trying to keep some sort of record of how much sleep I'm getting. When I'm ready to fall asleep I don't want to grab the pen and paper and write. I get up several times in the night to go to the bathroom (I have an overactive bladder). That's where I always hit a snag. I don't remember to mark how many times I'm up or what time it is when I wake up (thus telling me how long I've slept). I don't go to bed at the same time every night. I've tried to. It works for a few days, then I'll have a night where I just can't fall asleep. I'm restless so I get up and stay up until I am drowsy, which may not be until 5:30 or 6:00 AM (which messes up my whole sleep cycle).

I was given an assignment to make a list of ways to pamper/reward myself that did not include food or drink. It couldn't be shopping (because that could lead to another problem if I started compulsive shopping). This has also been a struggle for me to do. A bubble bath would be a good one (if we had a big or deeper bathtub). We have a regular size one and the water doesn't cover most of me up. It's just not the relaxing spa effect I'd want. I like to scrapbook. That's a big thing to do for myself (I don't have my supplies handy to be able to sit down and do a page on a whim). It's a fun thing to do when I have more time to spend. I thought about sitting down with a cup of tea and a good book (oops! that's a drink).

Which bike did we choose?

We got the used recumbent bike.

Thinking ...

... it's what I do 24/7. I don't even have to think about it, I just do it. A major part of this journey will be "taking every thought captive to the knowledge of Christ."

For so many years I have thought “I can’t loose this weight. It’s too hard. It’s a lost cause.” And I’ve dwelt on thoughts of self condemnation for ever letting myself get to this place in the first place. If I sit awhile and immerse myself in these thoughts and start to get comfortable in them … I want to withdraw and hide myself.

One of my friends has a huge mirror in her bathroom. When you stand to pull up your pants (sorry, but I had to include that part) you can see your legs in the mirror. Every time I am in her bathroom I see my legs as they really are. In the bright light I can see that they are lumpy and bumpy. They are not sleek, smooth and slender.

One of the reasons why I am blogging this journey of mine is because I knew you'd be reading. I appreciate all of your prayers and well wishes but I need to know that you're out there. I need to be accountable to not live in denial anymore. This is not fiction. It's a true story. I really AM morbidly overweight. (I saw that on a poster over the scale one time at the doctor's office). That's something you just can't joke away.

I promise to keep writing, even when I don't want to. And I'll be honest even when I want to hide.

Always try before you buy

I thought I wanted to get a recumbent exercise bike. Bob started searching. He located one and off we went to look at it together. It was a Schwinn, good brand! Good price for a used one that was in like new condition.

It looked very sturdy and like it was built to last. The shop owner said that Schwinns always have a great resale value (as long as you don't have a large dog that chews on it). Not an issue for us. We have a dog. She's a lover (licker) not a biter.

I sat down and pulled my legs up into the stirups. Not bad, nice seat and comfy back rest. You can put your hands down at your sides (where the pulse monitor is located) or hold onto the handle bars in front of you. There's a water bottle holder and even a place to put a book or magazine while you ride.

We were just smiling away, until I started to pedal. First thing I noticed was a sharp pain in my left hip. A pain that keeps me "leaning on the Lord," a thorn in the flesh that will stab me without warning. I stopped pedalling and said, "I can't ride this bike."

So Bob adjusted the seat back, climbed on, stuck his cowboy boots in the stirups and leaned back. He started pedalling with a bit more vigor than I had. The seat was wobbling and the frame was rocking and clacking (he hadn't made sure the seat was tightened down all the way first).

Once the loud commotion was fixed, he sat and laughed. With that distraction gone, he was able to concentrate on why he didn't like this bike. While reclining, our "ample" bellies were squished and it was very uncomfortable to ride.

I tried an upright bike. He tried it too. We agreed that it was much more comfortable to our abs. I still had some pain in my hip now and then, but that's to be expected I suppose.

The shop owner pointed out that the Schwinn was a better buy (than the upright he had in the store). He very gently told us that as we used the bike, the discomfort would ease up because the "squshy matter" would be shrinking. He thought that we'd learn to love the Schwinn and offered to let us take it home and ride it for a month with the understanding that IF we absolutely hated it, we could bring it back and he'd give us all the purchase price toward another bike.

Yes, the Schwinn was a "better investment" but ... what to do, what to do.

I called my expert, my personal trainer. She had some great tips. She said: don't spend any extra money for the bells and whistles (the different programs you can do, etc). She said that she has been working out for over 10 years and she NEVER uses them. She only looks at the milage and the time. She said it's really a matter of comfort when you select a bike. She didn't mean our stomachs! She meant comfort as you sit (your rear on the seat) and however you want to place your arms. It doesn't matter if it reclines or sits up. Whatever you prefer. She thought that an upright one will give your legs more of a workout. She also encouraged us to wait and buy one used. (The upright in the store was new).

I wanted to see Bob try out the bike with the handles that move as you ride. He got on and started up his fast pedalling not realizing that his arms would be flying back and forth just as fast. It was so hillarious! (Have you ever seen "Animal" on Sesame Street play the drums?) Arms were flailing and blonde hair was flying. He couldn't stop himself! I hadn't laughed like that in a long time.

Laughing hard is good exercise for your abs by the way. When was the last time you were sore the next day just from laughing?

Day One

I was excited to get started. Up and on the scale, then dressed and ready to walk.
I would be walking down the street and back (I hadn't been exercising for a long time prior to this).I was home again in ten minutes and I felt invigorated! Not bad, not bad at all.

Cutting the food in half was easy today. I did it without even thinking about it. The hard part was being hungry every 2-3 hours. I'm talking very hungry ... boarding on ravenous, if I didn't eat right away.

Ravenous has always been a very dangerous condition for me to be in. Before I know it, I'm sticking anything in my mouth to feed the beast. My clear thinking goes right out the window.The beast must be satisfied. Woe to anyone who gets in the way at feeding time. The answer will be "no" to any question asked at this time. Not a good time to ask me something you are hoping will be a "yes."

My trainer (I like the sound of that) my PERSONAL trainer had already warned me about this. I was prepared for it today. No signs of the beast.

I discovered that by mid afternoon or early evening, I was a bit restless. That time of day when you want to eat a candy bar or something like that. I went into the living room and moved around for 20 minutes, non-stop. I walked, shuffled, danced, scooted (I don't hop), moved my arms, whatever came to mind. The frustration (if that's what it was) was gone and I had another boost of energy. I was liking this!

The challenge

She called me back a few minutes later as I stood in the dressing room. She had a deal to offer me. She was willing to let me buy the dress now and start working on fitting into it. She was willing to help me. The bottom line was, "I need to know that you'll have a dress that you can wear. If it's not this one, then we need to order you one 12 weeks in advance. I'll give you three weeks to show me that you're serious about doing this. At the end of three weeks if you have lost more than one pound and are working on it, I will pay you back for this dress and I'll pay for any altering too. But if at the end of three weeks, you haven't lost anything or haven't gotten started yet, then we're going back downtown to the Bridal plaza and we'll order your dress in your size and YOU'LL pay for it and for the altering too (there was a $170.00 difference in just buying the other dress). "

This was a challenge I had been waiting for! I said, "I'll take it." Not only would I be wearing this beautiful dress and having it fit right, but even more than that, I was going to have a personal trainer working with me! I finally had a really good motive for loosing weight (doing it for myself or for my health weren't motivating me enough, I'm sad to say).

"Ok," she said, " buy it and I'll call you tonight."

The dress was hanging in my closet. I was ready with pen and paper when she called. She gave me basic instructions to get started with. I was to WALK every morning (as soon as I got up). I was not to think about walking or what I would wear to walk in, I was to just put my shoes on and go. Secondly, I was to cut my portions in half ... immediatly. I was to drink water all throughout the day and I was to weigh myself in the morning.

Then we talked about the mind games that we play with ourselves. She told me that she would be helping me through them and we'd talk on a daily basis. The first thought I was to think on, was that this was NOT an option for me. I was GOING to do it, period.

I have to be honest and say that I swallowed and said yikes! (to myself) at that point. I was the one who wanted to do this ... could I really do it?

Would it be THE one?

Off I journeyed, to a Bridal wonderland .... great place if you are the bride. The staff are available for your every whim. If you're not the bride and you're not WITH the bride, it's another story. I had to wait in a line to get the dress. It was handed to me without any comment. I had to ask where to try it on. No one asked if I needed help. No one came to zip up the back, no one stood at the ready to tell me how beautiful I looked or to pull the hemm out and help me walk in the dress. (There are no mirrors in the dressing rooms -- you HAVE to come outside to see yourself.)

Wow! The dress was on sale for $120.00 off !! but it was one size too small. I got it on and it zipped up fine. The dress had spaghetti straps. I put it on over my bra. It wasn't until I was standing outside the dressing rooms and looking in the mirrors that I noticed a man. He was nowhere in sight earlier. At least I had my wings covered (this dress came with a wrap)!

OK, it WAS the right color and the price was screaming buy me! buy me! My wings were covered, there was contrasting on the front ... the only issue was my vulumpous mid section.The dress fit too snuggly in the front and across the backside.

I called the bride (who happens to also be a personal trainer). I said I really liked this dress but it was too tight. If I had to wear it today, I couldn't, but with her help (and the wedding three months away) I should be able to fit into it. She said she KNEW that I could do it. She KNEW that I'd loose enough weight by then IF I would do what she told me to do.

Not here a moo, not there a moo, nowhere a moo moo

I dealt with my own "body image" issues and was finally reassured that it was ME she wanted in her wedding and not a particular body shape or size. Good thing that was all worked out because now it was time to start looking for my dress. She is very sensitive to what I would feel comfortable wearing (no wonder she's my best friend).

We headed downtown to a famous bridal plaza to look at dresses for me. I tried on every style of dress that was close to my size. Although you can order dresses in any color and in just about every size, you can only try on what they happen to have in stock. It's hard to imagine how a dress will look on you when it's two sizes too small and it's chocolate brown instead of sea foam green.

We found out what we didn't like. Form fitting would not work for me, nor would a plain front. I needed some sort of camoflauge for my full figured abs and I definitely wanted to cover up my flapping wings! I could tell in the bright lighting that I would have to get a tan because you could see the outline of a t-shirt on my bare shoulders and arms.

Less than a week later, the bride-to-be happened upon a dress that she thought could possibly be THE one! All I had to do was get there to try it on before closing time (that's as long as they would hold it for me).

Bittersweet

My best friend from high school is getting married! She asked me to be her Matron of Honor. Of course I said yes (inspite of the lump in my throat that left me momentarily speechless). I told her that I had never been a Maid of Honor before and would read up on my duties and responsibilities. We both laughed and she said she had never been a bride before either. (She had been married, but did not have a wedding ceremony).

After we talked I started thinking .... I was very happy for her but why did she have to be getting married NOW when I was at my heaviest weight?!

I imagined how the wedding photos would look. The beautiful (slim and trim) bride in her fitted wedding gown and me, standing next to her, in my moo moo.

As days passed, we'd talk on the phone about dresses (for me). I was so encouraged by her understanding about my insecurities. No wonder she was my best friend! Unfortunately, most of the wedding party dresses were either strapless or had spaghetti straps. Because the wedding will be in August, we were told over and over again to REMEMBER HOW HOT IT WILL BE. That's not news to me, I happen to be an Arizona native. As a matter of fact, I was married the end of October (when temperatures should be dropping) and wouldn't you know it was the hottest day of that month!

One of my body concerns is my flapping wings that I would prefer to cover up! And of course there are the "twins" as they are affectionally called (although we women know that it is common to have breasts of different sizes). All I know is .... when we go out to eat, I manage to spill something onto the "shelf." I don't know why it doesn't happen to men with pot bellies. Maybe I haven't paid enough attention. Remind me to start looking at their bellies when they walk past me. I may have just missed the stains all this time!