The dress

Today I walked 1.4 miles. I didn't know that's how far I walked until after the fact. I made it in 30 minutes. Chris was impressed. She wanted me to work toward walking a mile in 20 minutes.

I put on the dress so she could see it on me (for the very first time). She said it looked like it fit me NOW! Woo Hoo! She made a point of telling me that I can't quit. I laughed and told her I didn't plan to.

She brought a pair of shoes to see if they would fit me. They did. They have a high heel. It's been years since I've worn high heels. As soon as I put them on I felt like I had "sexy legs" ... funny how it just comes on you. I wasn't able to take big steps or walk fast ... I kind of shuffled in them.

Julianne brought out her high heels and showed me how I was "supposed to walk" in them. Little did she know I had that wiggle down once. How did she think I caught the eye of her daddy?

Tuesday, May 6

We didn't go out to eat last night. We brought take-out home. I followed Chris' suggestions for what I ordered. What I neglected to think about, was a drink. I usually always drink water. I got carried away with the "special event" feel and ordered myself a large Horchata. Whether or not Horchata is high in calories is not the point. I didn't THINK about the choice, I just ordered it.

I rode the exercise bike 30 minutes last night before I went to bed.

This morning I walked a different route (walked down a main street for 10 minutes then turned around and walked back). The time went by fast. I had the radio headset on and didn't hear a runner coming behind me until he was ready to pass me!

I struggled with the thought of binge eating this afternoon and early evening. I didn't (by the grace of God). The old familiar thought "I can't do this" was trying to take root. It's a very powerful thought/emotion.

Week Two: Monday

It's Monday, time to weigh myself.

The scale was fluctuating. I weighed myself four times and each time it registered a different weight. The readings were within tenths of a pound of eachother, but it was frustrating me. Frustration is something I can't handle right now (see "Baby Steps"). I know I went down, just how much I don't know for sure. I'll just call it a one pound loss.

I called Chris, my trainer, with the intention of asking her about her weekend. Of course she wanted to know how I was doing. She said she kept checking and didn't receive any calls or e-mails from me. I didn't want to talk about me, but we did. That's what trainers do, make you do what you don't want to do.

She wasn't happy that I had gone off my medication, but I didn't get a lecture. We're getting together this week to walk together and she wants to see me riding my bike. I'm not looking forward to that visit but that's OK because I know that I'm still in a "funk." I feel that way about everything that's coming up.

The bride-to-be hasn't seen me in the dress yet. When she comes I know she'll want me to try it on for her. I'm trying to have no expectations as far as it fitting better already, but I know that I do.

I walked Saturday morning, rode the bike Saturday night, walked Sunday morning and walked Monday morning.

Special Occasions

Chris is teaching me that when special occasions come up you have to have a plan in place BEFORE you go to them. You have to decide what you will eat and what you will not eat before you are face to face with the food.

I can eat anything I want to, just not as much as I want. She told me to "take a bite or two." If it's something that you can't stop eating, don't start (don't take even one bite).

I didn't plan before I went to a birthday party last night (and I didn't talk to Chris about it either). I knew that my daughter was making her delicious potato salad and I was looking forward to eating some. I knew I would eat my burger without a bun. What I didn't think about was dessert.

It was an ice cream cake. No one asked if I wanted a piece (that is my last "hint" that it's my choice and I can say no), I was handed one. I was almost finished eating it when I realized that I hadn't even THOUGHT about eating it. I hadn't decided that I wanted to eat it, I hadn't decided to take a certain amount of bites of it or to eat half of it or anything. I just ate it.

In the past I would've been very mad at myself which would've spiraled me into an eating binge (I know, it doesn't make sense) but I remembered what Corey (a naturopathic student I had the pleasure of seeing) said to me. One time she looked at my food diary and said, "You had a hard two weeks. Lots of things happened. It's over. Now you have a clean slate."

Today is my clean slate. Actually, every time I sit down to eat is a clean slate. The last thing I ate (good choice or bad choice) is in the past.

Baby steps

I had a very hard week, last week. This is probably the main reason ...
I've been on an anti-depressant medication for a few years now. I came to the end of my last refill and thought to myself: I'm feeling so good and doing so well this may be a "sign" to stop taking this medication.

I took my last dose on Saturday, April 26th. By Tuesday, April 29th I was feeling excessively cranky. It continued to get worse. I saw for myself WHY they tell you not to just stop taking this, you have to taper off of it.

Decided that now was not a good time to try to do this. I had to face the problem I had created for myself. Not only was I on the verge of "loosing it" but the Dr. who had prescribed this for me has long since been gone. I would have to start at square one (that's why I was waiting all afternoon on Friday). No one was willing to just refill the medication or to give me a few pills to get me by until I could make an appointment. I had to wait to be seen and evaluated.

The good news is that I was able to receive a refill and took a pill on Friday, May 2nd. I was told that it could take up to 2 weeks for me to "even out."

When making changes take baby steps, not giant leaps!

Friday, May 2, 2008

I did not walk in the morning. I made a conscious decision to do something else after I got dressed. I was bothered with the thought, you should walk FIRST, but I didn't.

I did not walk at noon. I made the decision to take care of some business instead.

I spent the afternoon waiting in several different waiting rooms. When I arrived in each new location I asked if I had time to go out and come back. The person at the desk always said, "I don't know. You better just wait." So I didn't go outside and walk.

I stood up and "moved" in one of the waiting rooms. Moving (not walking, just moving) is not a common occurrence for waiting rooms. I suppose it could indicate that a person is not calmly waiting. Perhaps the person is becoming agitated. Perhaps the person has something "suspect" in their large bag (tote bag). Perhaps the person should be monitored. Perhaps security should be alerted that there is someone "moving around" instead of sitting. So I sat back down.

Sitting for five plus hours made me very tired. I was dozing off in my chair in the last waiting room.

Earlier in the day I got hungry. I hadn't planned to be away from home so long and did not bring a snack with me. I made a point of heading to the cafeteria where I ate a bean and cheese burrito. There weren't any vegetables available, no fresh fruit. Lots of "bad choice" items. Soda, candy, chips and sweets are the big sellers. I would've bought a dark chocolate bar if they had one, but they didn't.

By the time I had accomplished all that I had to do (the purpose for all that waiting) I was in a bad place (mentally, emotionally and physically). I decided I was GOING to have an ice cream cone. I'm glad I did not pass a Dairy Queen because I wanted a chocolate dipped cone. I got a cone at McDonald's.

I did not walk in the evening. I rode along with Bob to pick up Julianne. She asked what we were going to have for dinner. I was totally exhausted. Bob stopped at Subway. I did not intend to get a sandwich. I planned to sit in the van. Bob wanted me to come in with them. I shouldn't have. I ordered a sandwich (Philly Cheese Steak) just because it looked good in the picture. I started to eat the sandwich on the way home.

Reflecting:
I didn't walk this morning -- then I felt "guilty" all day about that.
I didn't bring a snack along -- I got too hungry. I procrastinated over some things -- I had to sit and wait all afternoon and was frustrated when things did not go smoothly (consequence of procrastinating). I ate (the ice cream cone)-- instead of downloading my emotions. I ate (the sub sandwich) -- instead of downloading my emotions.

Hindsight is 20/20.

I rode the exercise bike for 20 minutes before I went to bed.

I haven't written in my food diary since Thursday morning ... must take care of that immediately! (another thing I needed to acknoweldge).

Walking this week

Some days are harder than others. I'm not excited about putting on my tennis shoes and heading out the door as soon as I wake up anymore. It helps to have already made a decision that I would walk first thing in the morning, period.

At the beginning of this week I decided to walk at the park (instead of down the street). I began week two walking for 20 minutes.

I prefer walking a certain distance (to a goal) rather than walking for a time period. Monday I just walked and kept looking at my watch. Twenty minutes seemed a very long time.

Tuesday I decided to walk a certain path and then look at my watch. Time went by faster that day.

Today (Thursday) Julianne and I went to a National Day of Prayer event at City Hall. I had already walked my 20 minutes earlier in the morning. I could really feel it in my legs as we walked around downtown. When I would stand up to walk after sitting for awhile, my legs were stiff then wobbly. I just laughed when Julie would say, "hurry Mom! We can make this light!" I couldn't hurry.

Week one I walked for 10 minutes. Week two I stepped it up to 20 minutes. Bob brought home an exercise bike on Wednesday and I rode it for 20 minutes in the evening.

Maybe I'm pushing myself too fast.

I've been playing phone tag with my trainer. She's out of town meeting her future in-laws for the first time. All the siblings will be there too. I don't know if we'll connect this weekend but I know I'll have to "fess up" come Monday, so I'm keeping an eye on myself.